half way point

This week would have been the halfway point in my pregnancy. Yesterday would have been 20 weeks. It's so hard to believe that I would be halfway through my pregnancy, 4 weeks from viability, and have a big ol' belly. I just pray that this month will be the month I get pregnant again.

No more adoption

Apparently adoption was never really an option for DH. I finally asked him last night why he always said "you" when he talked about it, never "we" or "us". He said it's not that he doesn't want a kid, or that he minds having an adopted child. He just can't see spending 20 grand for it. He said it's too much like human trafficking. All that research, all that time I spent, all the hopes I had knowing that soon I would be a mom either way, gone, worthless. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how many times I can deal with the Clomid. I battle depression as it is, and am on meds for it off an on and the Clomid is just killing me. Plus this time it's making me sick and causing horrible headaches. If I knew it would work it would be worth it but not knowing.... Plus there's the fact that once DH is out of the military we won't be able to afford any further fertility treatments. 6-7 months and any chance of having a child will be gone.

I'm so angry right now at him. If he felt that way all along he should have told me, not let me go on with such hope. Right now, too, I'm done. Maybe in two weeks once the Clomid is out of my system I'll change my mind, but for now this is it. I'll probably end up giving it one more shot with the Clomid next month, but no more. I feel horrible giving up, like I don't care or want it bad enough but it's just taking over. It's been almost 2 years and I spend 90% of my waking hours trying not to cry. I keep finding myself angry with DH because I don't think he wants it as much as me. I'm becoming very selfish - not worried or thinking about anything but babies- and he's not afraid to tell me. It's coming between us. I'm praying for strength and guidance..........

Stupid me :)

I decided to look at the dollar store test and the FRER that I took this morning a little closer. Problem is I did it when I got home from work 12 hours later :/ Of course there was a faint faint pink line on both of them. I KNOW you aren't supposed to do that so I'm not getting my hopes up I'm just frustrated with myself for doing that.

Bad mind!!!!

I had the most glorious week last week only thinking about adoption, not about the two week wait and if I was pregnant. That came to a screeching halt last night :) I layed in bed forever before I feel asleep, my mind just would not shut off. It was that way last month too. I'm trying not to read into every little twinge and symptom because I really don't think I'm pregnant. Last month I pretty much knew I was. I'm peeing more, I'm seriously hormonal, I can't function - can't think straight, I'm exhausted physically but can't really sleep (except for yesterday, I got up at 10 took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and was back in bed exhausted by 9) No cramps yet. I think I'm stressing more because even though I haven't been actually ovulating (or maybe I have it's just been so weak no pregnancy could come from it), about 9-10 days past when my body tries to O, my period has started. I'm 95% positive I O'd this month and tomorrow I'll be at most 9 at the least 6 dpo. I'm pretty sure it'll be 8 though because of the serious ovary pains I felt last Sunday. The only time I've gone more that 10 days was the pregnancy.

Things are moving along...

So DH and I talked last night and made our decision. We're giving Clomid one more shot next month. After that we're going to start the adoption process. (that was MY plan but I had to get DH's approval). Of course this means that I am going to start working on things now, and talk to him about going ahead and getting our background clearance since it can take so long. I'm super excited, scared, nervous, worried....you name it. This week has been so great though. I haven't been stressing about TTC 24 hours a day. I haven't even thought about it until today when I couldn't form a sentence because I couldn't think of the words to use.

Adoption Update

So yesterday two adoption agencies called me and left messages. I called one back today. She was super nice. The agency gives preference to infertile couples, specially those without children already. There's a $300 application fee, $50.00 a piece background check fee, and a $1500.00 home study fee. The application fee and background check are due when the application is turned in. The home study fee we would pay to her when she came (the lady I talked to today would be my contact as well as do our home study). Right now the black and black/white mix lists are open. She said the hispanic/white list will be opening in the next few months. The white list is like super long and closed. There is a flat fee of $19,000.00 that wouldn't be due until the baby was in our arms. I like that part of it. The best part, to me, is this: In Alabama there is a 5 day waiting period. The birth mother has 5 days to change her mind, no questions asked. In Feb. this agency started waiting until that period is over. When we get to number 4 or 5 on the list they'll let us know so we can be prepared, the wait would be pretty short then. They won't actually let us know that a birth mother has chosen us until the baby is legally ours. We wouldn't be able to be at the hospital for the birth which is kinda sad, but we wouldn't have to deal with the fear and pain of falling in love with a baby and having the birth mother change her mind. She said that on average it takes 2-3 months to complete the application process and background check. After that we would set up the home study and it would take her 2-3 weeks to complete that report. She said she would know when she left our house if we were approved so I'm assuming we'd know in a few days if we were or not. She also said if I happened to get pregnant while we were on the list that it's possible we wouldn't be taken off this list. It would depend on if we thought we could handle another baby and if she though we were able to handle it based on getting to know us. She was really nice. The agency is about 3 hours away but there really aren't any any closer.

Now the problem is getting DH on board. He's 100% willing to adopt, he's just not ready to give up. I'm not exactly ready to give up but I just want a baby. I'm almost 30. If I'm not pregnant this cycle (which I doubt I am), I'll turn 29 without a baby. I'm going to try to calmly,without emotion, talk to him about it. When I'm not sure. I want to go ahead and fill out the application. She said it takes most people 3-4 weeks to do that part. There are 36 questions about our families, beliefs, pasts, goals, dreams.... that we BOTH have to answer. We both have to get a physical, we've both got to get letters from people who know us, we've gotta get everything together for a background check, we've got to fill out the actual application saying what we are willing to accept and aren't. It's a lot. After that the background check can take up to 3 months to come back. She said right now they're coming back in about a month/ month and a half. On the lower end of that we'd be looking at mid-August before we were ready for a home study. The upper end mid-October. We already agreed to start the process October/November time frame. I just think it would be smarter to start that part now and be ready to start the home study before Christmas instead of not being able to start that until closer to my birthday. I'm going to ask how long our background check is good for if I do get pregnant. We still want to adopt. To me it would be worth the possibility of losing the $400.00 than waiting. Cross your fingers, pray, whatever it is you do that DH agrees with me.

The more I think about it the more excited I get. I've ALWAYS said I was going to adopt. Mom and dad said I started saying that when I was like 6. Ahhhhh....our application packet should be here Friday or Saturday.

Super long post today. The first set of questions is on Family of Origin. The first question is: "Describe the family in which you grew up; including roles of family members, relationships between parents, relationships between siblings, and involvement with extended family members" I'll leave blanks in this where I think it would give too much personal information :) There's crazies out there.

--> I grew up an only child with two wonderful parents. My extended family is very close as well. My parents rarely fought, they still don't 33 years later. Watching them taught me what a marriage is supposed to be like. They suffered multiple miscarriages after me but those losses only made them stronger. They've also taught me what it means to be a good parent. They treated me with the right amount of rules and freedom. They love me unconditionally. We still talk almost everyday and I know that all I have to do is call and they'll be there. My extended family spends all holidays together. When I was younger it drove me crazy but moving overseas for three years, being away from everyone, was one of the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that no matter what they will support me and my husband in whatever we chose to do.

So frustrated

It's been a kinda crappy day. The day started off with DH hurting himself. He couldn't get our 3-wheeler to start. We have a pretty steep driveway so he was letting it roll down the driveway then jumping on and popping the clutch. He did it a couple of times and didn't get it to start. The last time he tried it he fell, the 3-wheeler ran over him, then it drug him down the driveway a little bit. He wasn't hurt bad. He has some road rash on both legs, one arm and elbow, and his chest. I coated it really good with antibiotic cream. I'm SO glad I didn't see it happen. I was scared enough when I ask him if he was OK and he said no. He eventually got it running and then started working on it. One piece came off that wasn't supposed to and it took forever to get it back on which really ticked him off. After about 3 hours in 93 degree heat he got everything back together and the pull start thingy won't budge. Basically it's broke now and we'll have to order a new part. He starts kicking things and yelling, then crying. He's got such bad luck. Everything he gets breaks or just stops working. Nothing ever seems to go right for him. His clutch on his Jeep is going too. I'm to the point to where I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to try and make him feel better but I just don't know how. He blames God for every bad things that happens and continually says that God hates him. It is unfair and does suck that he spends all his time helping save other people's lives, both at work and in his free time, including getting up at whatever time of night that pager goes off, and then nothing goes right for him. That was a serious run on sentence. 80% of the time I feel helpless and sorry for him but 20% of the time I just get so angry and fed up with it. Sometimes I wonder how I can bring a child into our home because of his temper. He's never violent towards people, could never hurt someone. He hurts when other people do. It's just the yelling. He wasn't this way when we first got married. I know it's 20% just fed up and tired of the Army, of being treated like crap and like he's 12. It's 70% the fact that he hasn't really slept in about 3 years. He developed sleep apnea about the time we got overseas. I know my temper is bad enough after 3 or 4 nights of no good quality sleep. I can only imagine what it would be like after 3 years. Thankfully he finally went and got a referral to do a sleep study. He went last Tuesday to do one and has another one this coming up Wednesday. He got a letter in the mail Friday confirming that he does have mild sleep apnea. He stops breathing between 15-20 times a night. His next sleep study he'll be using one of those CPAP machines. They offered him a sleeping pill last time (either Ambien or Lunesta) and he didn't take it. I told him TAKE IT!!! Between that and the machine he should get such a good nights sleep. This is one of those situations where having Tri Care is a serious advantage. We can either go buy the machine ourselves or wait a few weeks to get it through the pharmacy on post. Those things are around 1000 bucks and we'll be reimbursed 100% if we get it on our own. I'll be so thankful to have my husband back and so thankful that he'll be feeling better. That leaves 10% which is actually his own temper.

I think my temper is just as bad but I hold it in until I explode. The way he handles it is probably much healthier in the long run.

So far nothing bad has happened to me, but it's only the first day of the week (if you want to consider it that). Hopefully the only "bad" thing this week is Wednesday. I would have been 7 weeks tomorrow and we would have been seeing our baby for the first time Wednesday. It's going to be a rough day. On a much happier note I had really sharp ovary pains for a few minutes today. They were the exact same as my Clomid cycle. The Clomid cycle pain lasted 2 or 3 hours instead of 2 or 3 minutes but I'm sure that was the Clomid causing that. I'm pretty confident that I O'd today. WoooooHoooo I guess we'll know in about 14 days. I know I said I wasn't going to test until after AF was due to try and avoid knowing about another chemical but the 22nd is DH's birthday and I'll be 9DPO. I'll have to test that day just because it would be such a great birthday present for him.

If you made it through this thank you! I just needed to vent. Please don't think DH is a bad person because of his temper. He's the most wonderful, caring, compassionate man I've ever met (other than my daddy :) )

I think my body is working!!!

I think my body might actually be working on it's own this month!!! Yesterday I started feeling like I was having O pains. I figured, nope no way, it's only CD 14 and I NEVER O on my own. I've thought I was in the past because of the positive OPK's, of course that was the PCOS doing that. This morning when I ----TMI----had a BM I noticed TONS of EWCM. The next time I went to the bathroom I had a ton again. I got a horrible migraine Thursday and woke up with one today. So I seduced DH, BD'd, put in an Instead cup, and am now just waiting. I've read so many stories on the internet today of women having chemicals or really early miscarriages and then getting pregnant that very next cycle with a sticky bean. Almost like the loss "cleaned" out everything to prepare for a heatlhy pregnancy. I'm not expecting it to happen this month, my PCOS could just be playing tricks on me again. I'm just happy knowing that maybe my body is working right.

I'll still be using the Clomid next month even if I O on my own this month. I figure it worked the very first time I used it, I'm def. going to use it again.

Another week

I was really hoping that this would be a better week than my past two. Just as I was getting physically over the miscarriage I got either a stomach bug or food poisoning. Missed three more days of work. Last night my side started hurting and I was feeling funny. Now I have a UTI. That leads me to believe it was food poisoning that I had and things just migrated up my urinary tract since it was a very bad whatever it was. I won't go into details I'll just leave it at saying I embarrassed myself in the ER (luckily I was in a room) and ended up going home in a gown. So yeh, week one started with a miscarriage, week two started with a stomach bug thingy, and week three starts with a UTI. I'm really trying to lean on God here because I don't know how much more I can take. It seems like the bad is never ending. Thank God my work still wants me even after missing two weeks of work.

I still have my bad moments where I cry. I think DH thinks I'm nuts, and I am a mess. I did the home UTI test saw it was positive and just lost it. He was like, why are you crying? (not in a mean way) It's OK. You can just take some medicine. The one thing the past two weeks has done is remind me of how wonderful my husband is. He waited on me had and foot when I was sick even though he had things he wanted to do. He had taken leave last week to do some things and ended up wasting those days taking care of me. He held me for forever when I realized we had lost the baby. He cried with me when I was actually miscarrying and the pain was so bad.

We got in an "argument" last night. He was trying to separate out clothes to wash and I was trying to fill out an adoption application. I was asking him questions and he can't really do two things at once. I don't remember what he said but I slammed my laptop shut and said something along the lines of "fine I won't worry about it, I'm trying to get us a baby, but don't worry about it, it's not important". Lots of arguing and talking later I found out he thinks I'm giving up on having a child ourselves and he's not ready to give up. He has faith that we will get pregnant. I got him to realize that I'm just scared. Scared of never getting pregnant again, scared of getting pregnant again and losing it. It's weird he's Mr. Pessimist, things are always going to go wrong and I'm the optimist. When it comes to TTC he's been the optimist the entire time and I've been the pessimist.

I am now going to go either take some Benadryl or left over Zofran because my UTI meds are making me a little :x. Or maybe it's the infection itself.

-->random side note. three days out of work and I had 280 emails when I got there this morning. Took four hours.

A Long Long Night

I'm now of two minds on natural child birth. Women who choose to go that route are amazingly strong and I admire them. They are also amazingly stupid :) Seriously, I really applaud that choice but after last night there is NO WAY I could ever do it. (i don't really think they are stupid) I can't even begin to imagine the pain of later miscarriages. My friend found out at 7 weeks there was no heartbeat and chose to wait until I think 10 or 11 weeks hoping there would be one. It was a blighted ovum and she chose to have a natural miscarriage. I am amazed by her strength. She's allergic to pain medication so she didn't even have that to help. I started cramping about 6 last night and went ahead and took a Lortab 7.5. By 9 I was taking another one even though it wasn't time along with 2 Benadryl because it's supposed to help it work more. I moaned and screamed and cried and paced until 1 this morning. I went outside in my pj's barefoot and walked up and down our driveway countless times. Lortab wasn't touching the pain. Endometriosis period cramps are NOTHING compared to a miscarriage. Dr. Crackpot said that I should just take ibuprofen that the cramps wouldn't be any worse than normal but the flow would be heavier. The pain was 1000 times worse and the flow isn't nearly as bad, just a lot more clots. I know chemical pregnancies actually aren't much worse than a normal period. I don't know if it's because I was actually closer to 5 wks than just a day or to late or if my body just doesn't want to cooperate. I told DH last night that I love him and I want to have a child of our own but I CANNOT do that many more times. Maybe it's selfish.

On a happier note I'm planning a garage/yard sale. I've still got loads of books and my parents and loads here that I'm going to sale. I've still got some good clothes and shoes that don't fit. A steamer we never use. When we were overseas I bought a DVD copying program that's good for two years. I'm going to start archiving all our DVD's onto a hard drive we bought and we're going to sell the actual DVD's. We've got about 250 so even at $2 a piece that's 2k if we sold them all. 90% of the money from the sale is going into a savings account for either adoption costs (that would cover the application fee, background checks, home study fee, mileage etc.) or to fix up a nursery. Now that DH and I have agreed on our future plans I'm excited and impatient. Before I wanted a baby so bad but I wasn't ready to move to adoption yet. This loss made me realize that what I want more than anything is a baby. I don't care if I give birth to it or adopt. The child will be mine and I will love it unconditionally.

-->I am not to be held responsible for any typos, ramblings, or nonsensical talk yesterday or today. The drugs made me do it.

Quick update

I took a pain pill and some Benadryl for the nausea. I felt a"gush" :tmi: while I was taking a nap in that sorta awake/asleep place. I didn't get up because I've been wearing a pad (which no doubt med invented!) because I don't know if the bleeding will start slow like it normally does or if it's going to be quick and heavy. Anyway, once I woke up and went to the bathroom and wipe (before I peed,) and there was a load of cream cm that was brownish red. It has begun. As I'm sitting here the cramps are starting back in. I know once the blood starts freely flowing I'll bawl like a baby again but I'm so glad that it's starting.

On another note, (I know two posts in one day, I dont think you're supposed to do that) DH and I were talking. He gets out of the military in May of 2011. After that if I'm not pregnant (praying to God I am) we won't be able to afford the fertility treatments any more. Most insurance in Alabama won't even pay for the u/s to monitor Clomid usage. It won't pay anything for my RE appointments as far as I can tell. Our journey will be over. We talked and decided that October/November time frame we'll go ahead and get the adoption process started. The background checks, answer all the questions, everything to get approved. By February/March of 2011 if I'm not pregnant and the endo is causing pain I'm going to go ahead and have a hysterectomy. If the endo isn't bad we'll still do the adoption route but no hysterectomy and keep trying naturally praying for a miracle. I think I will be pregnant by then but at the same time I KNOW that no matter how much we want a child I CANNOT go through multiple miscarriages like my mom did. I'm hoping and praying that my body just wasn't ready to grow a healthy baby and a little more time will change that but I'm relieved to have a game plan.

Another day

I am so ready for this crap to be over. It doesn't mean I'm not sad anymore, it doesn't mean I'll forget my angel baby. This limbo crap is tiring. I'm ready to start TTC again. I want to start now but DH said no because the doctor said wait a cycle. I know that is best that just doesn't make it easier. I know I will be a nervous wreck when (not if) I get pregnant again. I know I will be testing every morning, though not until after my period is due and I won't call the doctor until I hit five or six weeks. I am ready to start trying again though. I won't let fear take over.

My ER trip went quick for the ER. I was taken to triage within 2 minutes of signing in and straight from triage to a "room". I went and peed in a cup as soon as I got back there. Once I did that I went back to my area and changed into a gown. I had time to do that and get on the bed, not even covered up with the sheet, and the doctor came in. All in all I talked to the doctor, peed in a cup, got discharged, got a pill, got a ultrasound, all in less than 3 hours. Apparently being pregnant and having a miscarriage gets you back pronto. The ultrasound confirmed that my tubes were clear. I have a small cyst on my right ovary and a small cyst on my left ovary. Nothing new there, that's an everyday thing. It also confirmed that my uterus is empty. He didn't really have an explanation as to why I haven't started bleeding yet. He did say that I should start within the next 48 hours...pretty much that there's no way I won't.

I went ahead Thursday and called the clinic on base and made an appointment for anxiety/panic attacks and not sleeping. It's Thursday morning. I'll keep it if I need it. I've battled anxiety and panic attacks since i was in 2nd grade though nobody new at the time that's what it was. Everybody just though I was being a brat and didn't want to go to school. I've battled depression off and on since I was 13. I wanted to make sure I had that appointment set up in case things didn't get any better for me. I'll probably keep it even if I'm feeling *better* just because I know I'll have bad days still and just knowing I have the sleeping and anxiety pills will help.

I've still gotta go get my Lortab 7.5 prescription filled. I just didn't feel like sitting in Walgreens forever last night.

Day two

I'm keep wondering when I'm going to stop being a crazy person. I'll be fine, sitting at the table eating supper, watching TV, talking to DH and then all of a sudden I break down sobbing. Poor DH keeps telling me to cheer up and be happy. He's trying so hard to make me smile and laugh, it kills him to see me this way. I finally got him to tell me how he felt about it all. He didn't want to. He said it's his job to make sure I'm happy and by telling me how he felt it might make me feel worse. I told him I NEEDED to know how he felt because right now I feel like you don't care. He said he's bummed, depressed, angry, upset. The cramps are much less frequent and not quite as strong as they were. I have no idea what that means. I think I'll be going to the ER at some point over the weekend if things don't change. I'm running a low grade fever still, I feel like crap, and I NEED to know what's going on. I'm sure at some point the pain will get pretty severe again and I'll call the triage line and tell the nurse I'm miscarrying and can't take the pain, they'll give me the OK to go to the ER. I'm assuming they'll do more blood work to check my HCG and do an ultrasound (they didn't do one the other day). I'm just scared something wrong (more than losing the baby) is going on. From everything I've read, with chemical (which the doc said this was) your period usually shows up just a day or two late. Well it's almost a week late, my HCG levels have been at 9 or lower for at least 48 hours and I haven't had so much as a speck of blood. He said the cramps wouldn't be much worse than normal period cramps and the flow wouldn't be that much heavier. The cramps are more like contractions and I really don't feel like things are progressing like they're supposed to be. DH has to work a 24 hour shift today and has some training tomorrow morning so my body has about 24 hours to do what it's supposed to do naturally and then I'm letting medicine take over!!!!! I've already missed 3 days of work. I work for a moving company that does mostly military and department of state (diplomats) moves. I was just doing accounting but now I'm also the "move manager" for all department of state moves. I contact them and get necessary paperwork, set up their packing and delivery, deal with problems, easy fears, all that stuff. I really don't need to miss anymore work. Those people are depending on me. I have been checking email from home but it's not the same.

I haven't told anybody in person (other than DH) that I've had a miscarriage. At some point today or tomorrow I've got to go talk to my Chief and tell him why I couldn't police the graduation last night. It'll be hard enough telling someone but he is such a good, caring man. I know he'll come close to crying and that'll just make me lose it.

..........and it's over :(

I took a test yesterday morning and no line. I called the doctor and went in for betas and the level was only 9. The doctor said their tests measure starting at 30 so Monday morning my levels were at least 30 and two days later 9. I never knew something could hurt this bad. I cried harder than I think I've ever cried. I'll be fine for a while and then I'll just burst into tears again. I can't even begin to try to heal until I actually miscarry. I'm still not even spotting. Apparently the wonderful doctor said it was only a chemical not a "real" pregnancy. I'm glad I was too upset to hear that part and didn't know he said it until DH told me last night. Chemical or not, I WAS pregnant. For 3 days I had a baby growing inside of me. I was a mommy. I feel so empty. I think I've cycled through the stages of grief at a breakneck pace about 3 times since yesterday morning. I'm heartbroken, I'm angry. I'm really really mad at God right now. I know it happened for a reason but I'm still pissed. So many women right this second are having abortions, people are beating their kids, and mines gone. I just want to scream, throw things, hit something. I'm praying for the bleeding to start so I can try and heal. The doctor said it shouldn't be much worse than a normal period. He's wrong. I'm not having cramps, I'm having contractions. Cramps don't come at evenly spaced intervals (every hour right now), last 45-60 seconds, and then go away and leave you with no pain.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that I can get pregnant. I had decided I couldn't. I'm glad it happened so fast. We may have been trying for almost 2 years but it's was only my 3rd cycle since my surgery and my 1st time on Clomid. I know from research that an estimated 90% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. I think I just happen to be one of the few women who has never had a chemical pregnancy without knowing it.

I'm pretty sure this was a girl. I know it's super super early but I just feel it. I was lying in bed earlier and in the middle of one of my horrible cramps the name Isabella Grace popped into my head. I just looked up the meaning and Isabella means "consecrated to God" and Grace is "grace of God". I had NO idea what they meant but how perfect is that? A precious baby that was given directly to God. That makes me feel a tiny smidge better. It lets me "know" that God hasn't left me and is here with me. I think I'm going to get a ring, necklace, something with the January birthstone. It may sound crazy I just feel like I should get something to remember her by.

It finally happened!!!

IM PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful that all I had to do was one round of Clomid. It still hasn't fully sunk in yet. I keep going back and staring at the tests. I have thanked God and prayed about 100 times since I took that test yesterday. He is amazing and wonderful and I am so thankful. I'm trying to take it an hour, a day at a time, and not worry about losing this bean. It's hard though knowing all the things that can go wrong. The miscarriage rate is already so high and when you add PCOS and endo to it it's even worse. I've gotta call the doc on base Monday. I think I have to go pee on a stick there before they'll give me a referral to an OB. I already have a referral for fertility treatments though so I'm going to go ahead and call by OB/GYN's nurse Monday and leave a message telling her I'm pregnant and asking if I can come in for a beta and another progesterone check just to make sure my levels are high enough. I'll feel a lot better after those two tests. No matter how much I read, or how many friends tell me, that cramps are normal I'm still worrying. In my brain I KNOW that 1) cramps are normal, uterus has to stretch to make room for baby 2) I've had three laps so there has to be scar tissue that's stretching 3) I have endo which is going to cause more pain and 4) my last lap was 3 1/2 months ago so I'm sure I'm not fully healed from that yet.

No real morning sickness yet. I'm only 3 weeks 6 days so it'll probably kick in within the next week or two. I was nauseous last night and have been getting car sick easier, even when I'm driving! I either have no appetite or I'm starving but NOTHING sounds good, nothing. I'm having the cramps off and on and backache. Exhaustion is getting the better of me. It's weird though. I'm so drained that I can't even stand up yet I can't sleep. This heat is getting to me too. I don't know if it's that I'm not acclimated to it anymore after three years overseas or if it's the extra hormones. After 10 minutes standing outside I was about to pass out. (95 degrees with 90% humidity) And you know what? I'm loving EVERY MINUTE of it so far.

I want to tell everybody but then again I don't want to tell anybody. I want to give it time to sink in and enjoy myself for a few days first. I'm not telling my parents until I go to the doctor and have it confirmed. ( i say that but im having lunch with my parents today so we'll see if i can keep it in)

Loooooong day

Today was a LONG day. I found out Friday that I was going to get more responsibilities at work without the raise. Don't you love how that happens? So I started the new stuff today only to have the woman who is currently doing it do the same thing. Apparently nobody really talked to each other and knows what is going on. I ended up doing a lot of work for nothing. Very frustrating!!

The right ovary pains were random twinges today and still some minor cramps. I got one random really sharp pain on the left ovary today and some random twinges. I don't know if the Clomid is making me O on both sides or not. I've been super nauseous which I didn't know was a sign of ovulation. It's driving me nuts but I know my body is working :) I would just turn my fan on my desk on high and lay my head down for a few minutes. Since I'm not temping I'm going to put ovulation as tomorrow just to be sure I don't test too early.

Totally different topic but we haven't really been able to agree on boy names but we finally did for one...David Matthew which mean "beloved" and "gift from God". We haven't been able to think of any girl names. I like the name Marjike which is popular in Europe but nobody would be able to pronounce it right. I was reading a Nora Roberts book this past week and came across two names that I totally fell in love with!! Emmaline Mackenzie <3

As we were lying in bed last night I asked DH if he had decided what I/we could do to make him enjoy BDing more. The first thing he said was that he needed to get more sleep. I knew that was part of it. We're pretty sure he has sleep apnea and he just really isn't getting quality sleep and it wears him out. The only other thing he said was that it would be nice if I was "frisky" when he was. It just seems like we're never really in the mood together. I told him to grab me, back me up against the wall, and kiss my brains out. I said I promise you that will work :)

...wow I just realize that they got rid of John & Kate plus 8 (obviously) but now they have Kate Plus 8?......

Hopefully my wonderful DH will call before he comes home from his meeting and bring me a sprite to help with the tossing cookies feeling. Coke would work better but I'm trying to be a good possible mommy and lay off the caffeine.

Yay for OPK's!!

I have a little more hope then I did a few days ago. I had another baby dream last night although this one was a whole lot weirder! I was holding someone's baby (as in a few months old) and it looked up at me and said "it's time". I'm always looking for meanings in my dreams and I'm thinking Ok, maybe this means it's going to happen soon, this month or in a few.....I decided to take another OPK today even though I had no intention because they've all been very negative and I just figured either I missed the surge or the Clomid isn't working. It's been 8 days since I stopped the Clomid but nope it was very positive!!!! Woohooo!!!! Finally a positive that is actually positive not just stupid PCOS playing tricks on me. My right ovary is killing me, as in double over in pain for a few seconds. I'm still working with DH on the sex thing. I told him he was either having sex with me or doing his thing in an instead cup tonight and the next two and his response was "even though I just had sex with you last night?" That hurt, a lot, but I'm trying to just ignore that hurt right now. I asked him on the way to mothers day lunch with my family what I could do to make him enjoy sex again. I said it's obvious that you don't anymore. I told him I wanted an HONEST answer and that I already knew losing weight would make me more attractive to him and would help. That's OK. I know I'm over weight. He would be happy if I was down to the weight I was when I met him which was still on the bigger side....anyway he said "let me think about it and get back to you". Without that connection I feel like something is missing in our marriage. I WANT him to WANT to have sex with me and enjoy it....I'm just not sure what to do....

It's been a while

It's been a really long time since I've posted. I started Clomid this cycle and took my last pill last Saturday. The side effects haven't been too bad. I had some anger issues and a few crying jags, cramps and some ovary pain. I'm just so frustrated with it all right now. I know this isn't the month. I'm just not feeling it. I had EWCM last week for a few days. I had tons of creamy and EWCM yesterday with some major ovary pain. Still no positive OPK. I don't know if I haven't ovulated yet or if I've just missed it with the OPKs. DH isn't being the most cooperative about the BDing. I know he's tired when he gets home. I don't know if he doesn't realize there is only one day you can get pregnant and sperm doesn't live that long or if he just doesn't care. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the only one stressing about and trying for this. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The dreams don't help. I haven't had a pregnant or BFP dream in a very long time thankfully. I had one last night though. I took a test and it showed up positive but instead of two lines there were four. One control and three test meaning triplets. That makes four dreams where I've had or been pregnant with triplets, two where three people I knew were pregnant, and my mom has had several where I either had twins or triplets.

I go Friday to have my progesterone checked to see if I actually O'd or not.

I'm awesome

I think I did pretty dang good for only my second time shooting!!! I think DH feels a lot better about me doing the reserve police now that he knows I can actually hit someone if I need to. Turns out I enjoy shooting weapons. The bigger holes are my 9mm which I carry with me "on duty" and will carry on long trips and what not for protection. The small ones are DH's 22. That gun is soooo tiny and does not kick at all. I could have done it with one hand.

On the TTC front I decided not to try Clomid this month. DH's going to WLC (school he has to go to in the military to get a promotion) for a month soon and I just decided that it's not worth what the possible side effects could do to me and everyone around me when chances are I won't even O before he leaves. I was still iffy about it but the horrible migraine with nausea and extreme dizziness kinda made that decision for me. I wasn't about to add more nausea and dizziness it would probably add to it!!

DH were talking yesterday and we've decided that we're going to send me to school to get my EMT. I think I *might* be filling my life with other things since the baby department doesn't seem to be working too well for us. Between taking my last class for my CJ degree and taking the exit exam, working on my paralegal certification, EMT courses, reserve police officer, and work I'm not going to have time to stress and worry.

Am I the only one who bounces back and forth between being patient and Ok with things taking forever and 100% trusting in God and then being mad and frustrated and pissed with the world?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm seriously frustrated today!!! I went shopping for my police stuff: belt,boots,badge holder,khaki cargo pants....found NOTHING. AF still hasn't shown and my tests are negative. I obviously didn't O the week I thought orginaly. If I O'd when the OPK was positive she isn't due until the 25th. I'm either 9 or 10 dpo and getting negative tests, boobs are still sore, still cramping bad. I would take Clomid the 29-2 and DH leaves for school the 6th. Which means I have two choices: wait and not put my body and mental health through the hormones since the chances of me Oing 4 days after the last pill are pretty much non-existant or go ahead and take it that way I'll know if it is making me O or not so that the next cycle we can either stay, go up to 100 or swap to Femara. I'm so emotional right now and it's just driving me batty. I pray for strength all the time for getting through this journey. Most of the time I wonder why God isn't helping me and then I realize He is. Most days, not all, things happen or I see certain things and I'm able to say "life sucks deal with it" and I do. I haven't had many break downs, I don't cry all the time. Obviously God is helping me. It helped a lot when I finally realized that. Right now I'm in that state of mind though where I'm just ready to give up. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm worried that the next few months are going to cause problems in my marriage. DH is learning new things at work on top of flying in helicopters 2-4 hours a day which wears you out. He's so tired when he gets home that he can hardly stay awake to eat. How's he going to be able to have sex when we need to? Am I going to be taking the Clomid for no reason? Having a baby is NOT supposed to be this hard!!!! Crackheads and teenagers get pregnant everyday. People who abuse their kids and don't love them have a house full. Every freakin time I get on Facebook I see yet another pregnancy announcement. In the past 3 weeks I've had 6 people I went to school with make the announcement. I'm seriously thinking about putting my account on hold for a few weeks. I'm also supposed to be going to a cousins baby shower at my parents house in April. I think I'm just going to have to tell mom that I'm sorry but I just can't do it. Nobody wants somebody having a breakdown during their baby shower. I know she'll understand I just don't want her to know how much this is bothering me. She's already stressing about it worrying about me and she thinks that I'm doing pretty good with it plus my grandmother had surgery today and shes stressed about that. My grandmother weighs about 600 pounds so she can't really do things for herself and I love her but she's very selfish and treats my mom like crap. I know the next week is going to be hell for her. (my grandmothers mom died when she was really little and she was raised by an aunt who pretty much gave her food and put a roof over her head but gave her no affection so it really affected her mentally and made her crave a lot of attention which makes her forget to treat others well sometimes)

Ok I think I'm done for the day. I need to go blow my nose :)

Don't think is the month anymore...

Originally AF was supposed to show on the 19th. Getting that positive OPK pushed it back until the 25th. I'm already starting to have cramps though so I'm starting to think maybe I didn't O last week and am gearing up for AF already. If it were a few days from now I might think it was implantation cramping but on 4DPO that's pretty unlikely. I'm trying not to get discouraged. It'll happen when it happens. For now I have being a cop to look forward to, taking my one last class to graduate, and losing weight. I've decided not to worry about getting a 7DPO progesterone check...

Inster catchy title here

Today was plug ovulation day into due date calculator day. Depending on if I ovulate today -15 I get a due date of December 1-6. That's an amazingly special time period for me and would love to have a baby during that time frame. When I was younger, starting in high school, I dated a guy off and on from the time i was 16 until I was 20. He was my first love and a part of me will always love him. I love my husband with all my heart and would never change that for anything but you know how first loves are. He was killed in a car accident in January of 2004. His birthday is December 6th. It would just be an awesome way to remember him. Of course that's not the only reason that time frame would be great. It would mean this is the month, no more trying and feeling defeated month after month.

I did manage to get hubby to BD yesterday. He was tired but I was persuasive :) I left work early yesterday because I didn't feel too great and we are so slow that I've been sitting there for days literally doing nothing so I figured what's the point in staying. Anyway, I got home about 1 and DH called around 2 and was getting off early, which is amazing in the military. I took this as a sign and was not going to let the day go by without it happening. What are the chances that we would both be home early like that? The OPK was positive again this A.M. I'm going to test again in about an hour/ hour and a half and see if the surge is still there. If so I'm going to try and jump DH again. Probably won't happen because I'm home sick again and he "doesn't want to get sick". If not it will happen again tomorrow!! I just don't want to miss this time, knowing that I'm ovulating finally. I'm not letting myself think about the fact that on my monitored cycle I "ovulated" when in reality I didn't. I'm thinking positive!!!! And I just had a revelation. My doctor said that during my Clomid cycle next month he'd have me come in on CD 23 for blood work. I'm calling tomorrow to leave a message with his nurse to see if I can to that this month so I'll KNOW if I ovulated and won't all anxious about the TWW.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay for Ovulation!!!!

Good news and bad news today. This is the good news:



The bad news is since I'm O'ing so late in my cycle Clomid next cycle is a bust. DH will only be around until about CD 8-12. This is really taking all of my letting go and letting God strength not to totally obsess over this. 18 months and 14 cycles of TTC and this is the first time that I KNOW I'm O'ing...assuming it actually happens and isn't a "false start". It was almost positive last night and that looks pretty darn positive today to me. O'ing in the next 24-36 hours would be Friday at the latest, that means testing on....the 22nd if my IC's are here, the 28th if not. I think I'll start taking my temp tomorrow morning so I'll be in the habit of it next month if this month is a bust. I'm really thinking the soy isoflavones had something to do with it. I took the last one on the 27th and 10 days later get an almost positive OPK.

I hope I can convince DH to BD!! He's been going to PT, working, in school to be a flight firefighter at a different military air field, and feeding our friends dogs every morning and night while they are in Birmingham (her dad is in hospice and was taken off the ventilator yesterday). Needless to say he's stressed, not sleeping well, and feels guilty that he doesn't have the energy to love me. Tonight I don't think I'm giving him an option. I don't want to miss this month. I need to know that I've done everything I could possibly do. It'll be easier to have faith and not be mad at myself...

Brithday and Doctor Day

Today was my 28th birthday. This time last year we had just started fertility testing and I told myself that by my next birthday I would either be pregnant or have a baby. Nope, neither. That's ok though.

The doctor said everything looked good during my surgery. The cyst he removed was some kind of cyst that some women are born with. Some get bigger, some don't, some return after being removed, some don't :) It was keeping my tube from moving so he said there's a change that it was keeping the tube from doing it's job. First he said to give it 6 months and see what happens. I said what about the PCOS? We went into the whole wacky cycles, no positive OPK's, no temp showing ovulation... so next cycle I call his office on CD1 and they'll call in a prescription for Clomid. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course I'm hoping that this, my first cycle after surgery, will end in pregnancy. DH has school from April 6-27 so we'll be cutting it really close. As long as AF shows on time, which she has the past two cycles, he'll be here up until CD18 and I should have ovulated by then.

Endo awareness month

First of March is Endometriosis Awareness month. Wear yellow as much as you can since that's the color. Promote awareness. Endometriosis is the most common cause of infertility affecting 5 1/2 million women in the United States alone yet it takes most women multiple doctors over several years to get a diagnosis. It's characterized by excruciating pain several days a month, heavy bleeding, infertility, and pretty much some level of pain every day 24 hours a day. In normal healthy women, every 28 days or so, the uterus sheds it's lining and leaves the body through a period. Endometriosis is when some of this lining grows in other areas of the body. Usually the ovaries, uterus, and fallopian tubes. Other common areas are the kidneys, bladder, and bowels. Much less common is when it migrates to the lungs, heart, and other areas such as the brain. There is no cure for endometriosis. The only methods of trying to get relief are birth control and Lupron. Even a hysterectomy does not guarantee relief from pain as most of the time the ovaries are left and will still release estrogen. OK, enough of the lecture :)

So as I reread my post from yesterday I realized it kinda sounded like I was contradicting myself. In the end what I was basically saying was we are going to keep trying, full force, BUT I'm not going to let it consume my every though. Make sense?

I'm home sick again today. I really hope I don't get the boot at work. I wish this nausea would go away. I know it's hormones I just don't know if this is what I'm going to be like all the time now that my "plumbing" is cleaned out or if this is normal pre-ovulation hormones. I'm so ready to go to the doctor next week so I can get all this figured out.

On a much happier note I just ordered 30 OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and 10 early HPT's (home pregnancy tests) from Ebay for $1.00!!!!! I'm not a huge fan of the IC's (internet cheapies) but at that price I can give into my POAS (pee on a stick) addiction and not feel like I'm going broke.

I'm also trying not to think about the fact that Wednesday is my birthday and I'll be one year closer to 30 (28). Ever since I was diagnosed with endo I've been told that I needed to have all the kids I want by the time I'm 30 because my chances after that will be very slim. I can see why now after 15 months of nothing. I'm one of not many women who can say they've been trying that long with out a pregnancy. Am I happy that that's the case since it means I haven't had a miscarriage or am I sad because I haven't experienced pregnancy even if it was only for a few days or weeks?

Ok this post has been totally rambling all over the place :) My last though is, do I let people IRL know about this blog or just leave it with my JM friends?

Time to Relax

I've decided that it's time to relax. It's time to let go and let God. I came to this realization a little after midnight Friday night as I'm lying in bed trying not to move with a cold wash cloth on my face. Very sick. As my wonderful DH is lying beside me making himself stay awake in case I need him I realized that I'm being totally selfish and putting too much pressure on everyone. My life has revolved around TTC talk, OPK's, pregnancy tests, timed BD..... I haven't paid enough attention to my marriage. I haven't even considered how he feels having to perform on command. I'm sure he's so tired of hearing about all things baby. I got upset with him the other night for getting frustrated with me but I can totally understand it now. I haven't wanted to do anything with one of our spare rooms because "it's for the baby". He'd finally had enough and basically said fine, we'll put our entire lives on hold, not do anything to the house, not buy anything. Of course I cried but he really had a point. I just wish it hadn't taken food poisoning or a virus to come to that conclusion. I'm still going to take my vitamins and cinnamon (at least until I start met). I'm still going to schedule an appointment with the RE. I'm still going to take Clomid and injectibles if needed. I've decided that I don't think we'll try IUI if the meds don't work. DH doesn't care if we have a child of our own or adopt. He honestly doesn't care if we have children at all. Don't get me wrong he wants them but he won't feel like his life is missing anything if we don't. As long as he has me and I'm happy he's happy. We were never going to do IVF because it's so expensive and a child is all that's important to me, not where it came from. I've decided that spending several hundred dollars several times for IUI just isn't worth it to me. I want to be pregnant but if it doesn't happen I will survive. I've been reading the Infertility Companion and it's honestly helped me a lot. We just ordered P90X and my focus, for at least the next 30 days, is me. Getting me healthy and happy. God knows what's supposed to happen in my life and I've just got to have faith that it will happen that way.

Of course all of that won't stop me from wondering every month two and three days before AF is supposed to show. I don't think anything could make that fearful/hopeful feeling go away. I'll still have moments where it consumes me to begin with, that's just going to take time.

You've heard of the "Bucket List", this is similar. Someone wrote up 99 things to do before you die and it's been going around the internet. I found it on Pregnanty Yuppy's Blog. Now it's my turn.

Bold the things that you've done...
1. Started your own blog - obviously.
2. Slept under the stars - camping
3. Played in a band - Don't have the patience to learn an instrument.
4. Visited Hawaii - nope and probably won't. I HATE flying
5. Watched a meteor shower - couple of times.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - Depends. Afford if I cut my spending on useless things but since I can't seem to do that, yes.
7. Been to DisneyWorld - nope, sad huh.
8. climbed a mountain- I've been on top of one, but never climbed one.
9. Held a praying mantis - I don't know if I've ever seen one.
10. Sang a solo - In church a lot when I was younger. I should probably still do it. God gives you a gift you should use it before it goes away.
11. Bungee jumped - Nope
12. Visited Paris - Yes, it actually wasn't all that. Dirty and gross for the most part.
13. Watched a lightning storm - I love them. So pretty.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Painting. Not very good at it though.
15. Adopted a child - Not yet. Seems we may be heading that way though.
16. Had food poisoning - I think everybody has.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - The only time I've bee in NY was a layover at JFK and didn't leave the airport.
18. Grown your own vegetables- not yet. planning on it though.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - It was cool. The Louvre is HUGE though.
20. slept on an overnight train- nope
21. Had a pillow fight - yes
22. Hitch hiked - no, nor do I ever plan to
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - I think everyone has. Sometimes you just need a break.
24. Built a snow fort- snow what's snow. Alabama doesn't get a lot of snow. The one big snow we had in Holland I was in a cast from my thigh to my ankle.
25. .Held a lamb--nope
26. Run a Marathon- me run?
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - negative
29. Seen a total eclipse - I think I was in 6th grade.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - of course
31. Hit a home run - ummm, no.
32. Been on a cruise- no and i have no desire to
33.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - Germany but not Scotland or England
35. Seen an Amish community -- yes
36. Taught yourself a new language - some Spanish
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - I've got everything I need
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - no
39. Gone rock climbing - Nope
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - yes
41. Sung karaoke - Once in college.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt - nope
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - no, I should though.
44. Visited Africa - nope
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - love it. so romantic
46. Been transported in an ambulance - yup, 4 wheeler wreck, no helmet =STUPID
47. Had your portrait painted - nope
48. Gone deep sea fishing - Nope, and I do not want to.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - nope, .
50. -Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris -- nope line was way too long
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - snorkeling when I was little. Just up close to the shore though
52. Kissed in the rain - yup
53. Played in the mud - still do
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - yes
55. Been in a movie - No
56. Visited the Great Wall of China - No
57. Started a business - No
58. Taken a martial arts class- no
59. Visited Russia - No
60. Served at a soup kitchen - not
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies- never a girl scout
62. Gone whale watching - no
63. Got flowers for no reason - a couple of times
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- nope too big of a chicken. My excuse used to be that I didn't way enough. I can't say that anymore
65. Gone sky diving - No but I want to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - yes
67. Bounced a cheque - No
68. Flown in a helicopter - Nope
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I still have albert, ugly baby, and scare elephant, not to mention my blanket
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - yes
71. Eaten Caviar- no and I have no desire to
72. Pieced a quilt - nope
73. Stood in Times Square- I haven't been to NYC
74. Toured the Everglades - no
75.Been fired froma job- no
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - in London no, in DC yes
77. Broken a bone - arm, ankle, leg
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - yes, not for long though
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - Not
80. Published a book - a couple of poems, does that count?
81. Visited the Vatican - no
82. Bought a brand new car - Yes. I love it!
83. Walked in Jerusalem - Nope would love to though
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - when I was younger, pageants, awards,
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve - yes
86. Visited the White House - No
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Nope
88. Had chickenpox - Yes, still have scars
89. Saved someone’s life - yes, kinda. My grandfather was an serious alcoholic until I was born. He stopped cause I wouldn't let him hold me when he was drunk
90. Sat on a jury - Nope, and I actually WANT to
91. Met someone famous - nope
92. Joined a book club - no
93. Got a tattoo- nope, not yet
94. Had a baby - um HELLO do you SEE the posts in this blog?
95. Seen the Alamo in person - Nope
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope .
97. Been involved in a law suit - one of those where you get a letter saying hey your involved in a suit if we win you'll get like a dollar
98. Owned a cell phone - Duh - yes.
99. Been stung by a bee - When I was a kid. Not for a long time.

By my count that's 40/99. How about you?

Breakdown last night :)

I had a meltdown last night. It was actually my fist in 13 months. I knew it would eventually happen. I got on Facebook and saw two pregnancy announcements. One of which just had a baby about 8 months ago and found out yesterday the sex of the baby. DH didn't know what to think when I burst into tears. AF showed about 45 minutes later so I'm blaming everything on her :) I feel better emotionally now. I ordered the Fertility Companion yesterday and am really looking forward to that getting here. I'm exhausted right now though. My cramps kicked in about 2 this morning. I got up and got my heating pad. Waited a while took a Lortab left over from the surgery. 45 minutes later I was still dying so I took 3 Ibuprofen then went and sat in the shower for about 45 minutes. They finally died down enough to sleep about 5 or 5:30. It was the wost my cramps have been in about 8 months. I guess it was just cause it was so soon after the surgery and my body is still recovering from that.

I went to the doc yesterday because I've been feeling so crappy. She did a blood pregnancy test, CBC, and checked my electrolytes. Everything was normal. Apparently I just caught a virus from the hospital. Fever, throat huts, nose driving me nuts, and fluid on my ears. I thought my tubes were still there. They are but not in place anymore. They were 3 weeks ago. It sucks that they've been out less than a month and there's already fluid on them!!

We went and helped my dad clean up my grandparents house some more today. (She passed away unexpectedly 5 weeks ago and my grandfather is in the nursing home) I got some more books, some gnomes to put in my garden, two pretty pearl necklaces (they're fake but pretty), and some really pretty crystal glasses (also fake). I love having all of this stuff from my grandmother. It's something I'll be able to pass to my children, and hopefully will be passed to my grandchildren.

Boycotting Hormones

I hate hormones!!!! Either one of those small cysts has grown in the past 10 days and releasing serious progesterone or the surgery cleaned me out good and I have super PMS symptoms now. The naseau started Sunday and hasn't let up. Monday I was sitting at my desk at work with a bag of peppermints, a coke, and a sleeve of crackers. I've had to force myself to eat because everything I put in my mouth just makes me wanna blah. I'm exhausted, was asleep by 8 last night, and was still tired this morning. I have random dizzy/light headed moments. Lastly my boobs HURT!!! I was sitting cross legged on the bed and leaned over to pick something up and almost cried. Have I mentioned the crying? At sad things, at sweet things, at nothing :) If I were actually pregnant I would be loving it all but I'm not. I'm having cramps, I had surgery, and no DTD for 1-2 more weeks so it hasn't happened since the surgery. I'm going to see my regular PCM tomorrow morning to see what's going on. Something is. I just don't feel right. Hopefully she won't think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just getting sick. My throat is icky and when I blow my nose there's some blood. I've also been running a low grade fever since the surgery. (doc said anything under 101 is ok) 10 days later I shouldn't be having one at all. It's been between 99.3 and 100 which isn't that high but when your temp is normally 97.2 or so, that's pretty high. My shoulder is still killing me from the gas which isn't helping matters and my belly is still swollen. I guess that could be PMS bloating though. Ok, enough complaining.

I subscribe to that what God wants you to know today thing on Facebook and he's seriously been talking to me. I've gotten "you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings", and "if you desire something, offer something. Offerings don't have to monetary they can be gifts, words, or prayers", and "prayer is only real when it comes from your heart" and lastly the best one that is so hard to do :

... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

I KNOW I have to let this fertility journey go. I know that God is in control and nothing I can say or do will change the way He has things planned for me. I'm just no good with patience!! I always say that God doesn't make mistakes when I talk to my husband about things he doesn't understand. He had me the other night. I was complaining about my body being broken and he said " I though you said God doesn't make mistakes, if you believe that then your body is obviously the way it's supposed to be. That means it's not broken." Wow. That's all I can say. I KNOW that God has me/us going through this for a reason but it helps hearing things like that. 'Specially coming from a man who is lacking in faith most times. He's a firefighter and while he's seen the accidents that people shouldn't walk away from survive, he's also seen the opposite. The one he went to there was a stupid (that's saying it nicely) woman driving while eating a plate of spaghetti, who eats spaghetti while driving? She swerved in the other lane, hit a car with two teenage boys, and walked away. The boys were carried away in body bags. I can totally understand where that could make you lose your faith if it wasn't strong enough. I totally digressed. The point of all that was basically maybe this journey is meant to help bring not only me, but him closer to God. I know already that this past year has made me realize how special children are and I will appreciate it so much more than I would have.

I know this is a super long post. Thanks for reading it, just two more things I was in the shower thinking that I used to want 2 kids but now I think I want three. Being any only child was lonely. Then I realize, I'm NOT an only child. Before this infertility I never really thought about. My mom had anywhere from 3-7 miscarriages. I was a lot younger so I can't remember how many I knew about. I'm sure there were more that my parents managed to keep from me. I have brothers and sisters in heaven. I'm still amazed at that. I can't believe I never even though about it. Last thing, I promise :) I got a text message from my mom on the way to work this morning. It said "had a dream last night you had twins. Had to ask their names because they looked just alike". I had a dream that I was pregnant last night too. Mom and I together are little physics. When we both have a dream about pregnancy someone ends up pregnant. Maybe not the person we dreamed about but someone we know. Maybe it's me this time. I have dreamed in the past that I had identical twin boys. Something in me just feels like that's what's going to happen. Brandon Matthew and Zachary Noah or David Addison.

OK done now :)

kinda down today

Kinda crappy today. Unfortunately one of the side affects of anesthesia for me is constipation (TMI, I know). I had the surgery Monday and gave it until yesterday to *clear itself up* Since that didn't happen I took some medicine last night. Needless to say today hasn't been fun. Plus I was very nauseous tonight (and last night). Then when I went to the bathroom earlier I had EWCM with a little blood. AF is *supposed* to start on Thursday so my options are she's actually going to show early, which never happens with me because of the PCOS, another side effect of the surgery (I had NO bleeding after the surgery), or somehow miraculously I actually ovulated this month, it was on my right side, the eggie fertilized, and a clean healthy uterus actually let the eggie implant AND the surgery didn't kill it. Yeh I know, that one just isn't possible but a girl can always dream.

I started looking up info about hydrosalpinx (a distally blocked fallopian tube filled with serous or clear fluid). Apparently pregnancy rates are low because the infection or adhesion has permanently damaged the tube. I know I still have one tube that's good but that doesn't really make me feel better ATM. I was feeling so positive after the surgery knowing Dr. Butler was really excited that things looked as good as they did. I'm trying to get out of that mind set but it's so hard to stay positive after 13 months of nothing, 3 laps in 7 years, PCOS, a crappy tube, endo, and a family history of still birth and miscarriages.

On another note I gave Matt permission to hurt my feelings if I ever got too fat!! :) DHC has had 627 pound woman show and now it's a half-ton teenager show. I just can't imagine being that big. How does it happen? I guess the same way I let myself get to 175 pounds.