I'm now of two minds on natural child birth. Women who choose to go that route are amazingly strong and I admire them. They are also amazingly stupid :) Seriously, I really applaud that choice but after last night there is NO WAY I could ever do it. (i don't really think they are stupid) I can't even begin to imagine the pain of later miscarriages. My friend found out at 7 weeks there was no heartbeat and chose to wait until I think 10 or 11 weeks hoping there would be one. It was a blighted ovum and she chose to have a natural miscarriage. I am amazed by her strength. She's allergic to pain medication so she didn't even have that to help. I started cramping about 6 last night and went ahead and took a Lortab 7.5. By 9 I was taking another one even though it wasn't time along with 2 Benadryl because it's supposed to help it work more. I moaned and screamed and cried and paced until 1 this morning. I went outside in my pj's barefoot and walked up and down our driveway countless times. Lortab wasn't touching the pain. Endometriosis period cramps are NOTHING compared to a miscarriage. Dr. Crackpot said that I should just take ibuprofen that the cramps wouldn't be any worse than normal but the flow would be heavier. The pain was 1000 times worse and the flow isn't nearly as bad, just a lot more clots. I know chemical pregnancies actually aren't much worse than a normal period. I don't know if it's because I was actually closer to 5 wks than just a day or to late or if my body just doesn't want to cooperate. I told DH last night that I love him and I want to have a child of our own but I CANNOT do that many more times. Maybe it's selfish.
On a happier note I'm planning a garage/yard sale. I've still got loads of books and my parents and loads here that I'm going to sale. I've still got some good clothes and shoes that don't fit. A steamer we never use. When we were overseas I bought a DVD copying program that's good for two years. I'm going to start archiving all our DVD's onto a hard drive we bought and we're going to sell the actual DVD's. We've got about 250 so even at $2 a piece that's 2k if we sold them all. 90% of the money from the sale is going into a savings account for either adoption costs (that would cover the application fee, background checks, home study fee, mileage etc.) or to fix up a nursery. Now that DH and I have agreed on our future plans I'm excited and impatient. Before I wanted a baby so bad but I wasn't ready to move to adoption yet. This loss made me realize that what I want more than anything is a baby. I don't care if I give birth to it or adopt. The child will be mine and I will love it unconditionally.
-->I am not to be held responsible for any typos, ramblings, or nonsensical talk yesterday or today. The drugs made me do it.
LOL =)
ReplyDeleteOh, I so know what you mean about the actual physical pain of a miscarriage. Mine was at 11 wks & started at about 11:30 pm. I tried & tried to hold out till 8 am so I could visit my dr's office & NOT the ER but that didn't work. By 5 am I COULD NOT take the pain anymore so off to the ER we went. I couldn't imagine giving birth naturally. That was the most horrendous pain I have had... even worse than actually giving birth to Austin 14 years ago, IMHO.
And I know exactly what you mean about the loss making you realize that you just want a baby... I remember actually grieving the fact that I was going to have to have a repeat c-section. Now I really don't care if they pull the baby out of my nose. I just want a baby. *blush*
LOVE the DVD archiving idea! GL on your yard sale. I hope you raise lots & lots of money. =)