A Long Long Night

I'm now of two minds on natural child birth. Women who choose to go that route are amazingly strong and I admire them. They are also amazingly stupid :) Seriously, I really applaud that choice but after last night there is NO WAY I could ever do it. (i don't really think they are stupid) I can't even begin to imagine the pain of later miscarriages. My friend found out at 7 weeks there was no heartbeat and chose to wait until I think 10 or 11 weeks hoping there would be one. It was a blighted ovum and she chose to have a natural miscarriage. I am amazed by her strength. She's allergic to pain medication so she didn't even have that to help. I started cramping about 6 last night and went ahead and took a Lortab 7.5. By 9 I was taking another one even though it wasn't time along with 2 Benadryl because it's supposed to help it work more. I moaned and screamed and cried and paced until 1 this morning. I went outside in my pj's barefoot and walked up and down our driveway countless times. Lortab wasn't touching the pain. Endometriosis period cramps are NOTHING compared to a miscarriage. Dr. Crackpot said that I should just take ibuprofen that the cramps wouldn't be any worse than normal but the flow would be heavier. The pain was 1000 times worse and the flow isn't nearly as bad, just a lot more clots. I know chemical pregnancies actually aren't much worse than a normal period. I don't know if it's because I was actually closer to 5 wks than just a day or to late or if my body just doesn't want to cooperate. I told DH last night that I love him and I want to have a child of our own but I CANNOT do that many more times. Maybe it's selfish.

On a happier note I'm planning a garage/yard sale. I've still got loads of books and my parents and loads here that I'm going to sale. I've still got some good clothes and shoes that don't fit. A steamer we never use. When we were overseas I bought a DVD copying program that's good for two years. I'm going to start archiving all our DVD's onto a hard drive we bought and we're going to sell the actual DVD's. We've got about 250 so even at $2 a piece that's 2k if we sold them all. 90% of the money from the sale is going into a savings account for either adoption costs (that would cover the application fee, background checks, home study fee, mileage etc.) or to fix up a nursery. Now that DH and I have agreed on our future plans I'm excited and impatient. Before I wanted a baby so bad but I wasn't ready to move to adoption yet. This loss made me realize that what I want more than anything is a baby. I don't care if I give birth to it or adopt. The child will be mine and I will love it unconditionally.

-->I am not to be held responsible for any typos, ramblings, or nonsensical talk yesterday or today. The drugs made me do it.

Quick update

I took a pain pill and some Benadryl for the nausea. I felt a"gush" :tmi: while I was taking a nap in that sorta awake/asleep place. I didn't get up because I've been wearing a pad (which no doubt med invented!) because I don't know if the bleeding will start slow like it normally does or if it's going to be quick and heavy. Anyway, once I woke up and went to the bathroom and wipe (before I peed,) and there was a load of cream cm that was brownish red. It has begun. As I'm sitting here the cramps are starting back in. I know once the blood starts freely flowing I'll bawl like a baby again but I'm so glad that it's starting.

On another note, (I know two posts in one day, I dont think you're supposed to do that) DH and I were talking. He gets out of the military in May of 2011. After that if I'm not pregnant (praying to God I am) we won't be able to afford the fertility treatments any more. Most insurance in Alabama won't even pay for the u/s to monitor Clomid usage. It won't pay anything for my RE appointments as far as I can tell. Our journey will be over. We talked and decided that October/November time frame we'll go ahead and get the adoption process started. The background checks, answer all the questions, everything to get approved. By February/March of 2011 if I'm not pregnant and the endo is causing pain I'm going to go ahead and have a hysterectomy. If the endo isn't bad we'll still do the adoption route but no hysterectomy and keep trying naturally praying for a miracle. I think I will be pregnant by then but at the same time I KNOW that no matter how much we want a child I CANNOT go through multiple miscarriages like my mom did. I'm hoping and praying that my body just wasn't ready to grow a healthy baby and a little more time will change that but I'm relieved to have a game plan.

Another day

I am so ready for this crap to be over. It doesn't mean I'm not sad anymore, it doesn't mean I'll forget my angel baby. This limbo crap is tiring. I'm ready to start TTC again. I want to start now but DH said no because the doctor said wait a cycle. I know that is best that just doesn't make it easier. I know I will be a nervous wreck when (not if) I get pregnant again. I know I will be testing every morning, though not until after my period is due and I won't call the doctor until I hit five or six weeks. I am ready to start trying again though. I won't let fear take over.

My ER trip went quick for the ER. I was taken to triage within 2 minutes of signing in and straight from triage to a "room". I went and peed in a cup as soon as I got back there. Once I did that I went back to my area and changed into a gown. I had time to do that and get on the bed, not even covered up with the sheet, and the doctor came in. All in all I talked to the doctor, peed in a cup, got discharged, got a pill, got a ultrasound, all in less than 3 hours. Apparently being pregnant and having a miscarriage gets you back pronto. The ultrasound confirmed that my tubes were clear. I have a small cyst on my right ovary and a small cyst on my left ovary. Nothing new there, that's an everyday thing. It also confirmed that my uterus is empty. He didn't really have an explanation as to why I haven't started bleeding yet. He did say that I should start within the next 48 hours...pretty much that there's no way I won't.

I went ahead Thursday and called the clinic on base and made an appointment for anxiety/panic attacks and not sleeping. It's Thursday morning. I'll keep it if I need it. I've battled anxiety and panic attacks since i was in 2nd grade though nobody new at the time that's what it was. Everybody just though I was being a brat and didn't want to go to school. I've battled depression off and on since I was 13. I wanted to make sure I had that appointment set up in case things didn't get any better for me. I'll probably keep it even if I'm feeling *better* just because I know I'll have bad days still and just knowing I have the sleeping and anxiety pills will help.

I've still gotta go get my Lortab 7.5 prescription filled. I just didn't feel like sitting in Walgreens forever last night.

Day two

I'm keep wondering when I'm going to stop being a crazy person. I'll be fine, sitting at the table eating supper, watching TV, talking to DH and then all of a sudden I break down sobbing. Poor DH keeps telling me to cheer up and be happy. He's trying so hard to make me smile and laugh, it kills him to see me this way. I finally got him to tell me how he felt about it all. He didn't want to. He said it's his job to make sure I'm happy and by telling me how he felt it might make me feel worse. I told him I NEEDED to know how he felt because right now I feel like you don't care. He said he's bummed, depressed, angry, upset. The cramps are much less frequent and not quite as strong as they were. I have no idea what that means. I think I'll be going to the ER at some point over the weekend if things don't change. I'm running a low grade fever still, I feel like crap, and I NEED to know what's going on. I'm sure at some point the pain will get pretty severe again and I'll call the triage line and tell the nurse I'm miscarrying and can't take the pain, they'll give me the OK to go to the ER. I'm assuming they'll do more blood work to check my HCG and do an ultrasound (they didn't do one the other day). I'm just scared something wrong (more than losing the baby) is going on. From everything I've read, with chemical (which the doc said this was) your period usually shows up just a day or two late. Well it's almost a week late, my HCG levels have been at 9 or lower for at least 48 hours and I haven't had so much as a speck of blood. He said the cramps wouldn't be much worse than normal period cramps and the flow wouldn't be that much heavier. The cramps are more like contractions and I really don't feel like things are progressing like they're supposed to be. DH has to work a 24 hour shift today and has some training tomorrow morning so my body has about 24 hours to do what it's supposed to do naturally and then I'm letting medicine take over!!!!! I've already missed 3 days of work. I work for a moving company that does mostly military and department of state (diplomats) moves. I was just doing accounting but now I'm also the "move manager" for all department of state moves. I contact them and get necessary paperwork, set up their packing and delivery, deal with problems, easy fears, all that stuff. I really don't need to miss anymore work. Those people are depending on me. I have been checking email from home but it's not the same.

I haven't told anybody in person (other than DH) that I've had a miscarriage. At some point today or tomorrow I've got to go talk to my Chief and tell him why I couldn't police the graduation last night. It'll be hard enough telling someone but he is such a good, caring man. I know he'll come close to crying and that'll just make me lose it.

..........and it's over :(

I took a test yesterday morning and no line. I called the doctor and went in for betas and the level was only 9. The doctor said their tests measure starting at 30 so Monday morning my levels were at least 30 and two days later 9. I never knew something could hurt this bad. I cried harder than I think I've ever cried. I'll be fine for a while and then I'll just burst into tears again. I can't even begin to try to heal until I actually miscarry. I'm still not even spotting. Apparently the wonderful doctor said it was only a chemical not a "real" pregnancy. I'm glad I was too upset to hear that part and didn't know he said it until DH told me last night. Chemical or not, I WAS pregnant. For 3 days I had a baby growing inside of me. I was a mommy. I feel so empty. I think I've cycled through the stages of grief at a breakneck pace about 3 times since yesterday morning. I'm heartbroken, I'm angry. I'm really really mad at God right now. I know it happened for a reason but I'm still pissed. So many women right this second are having abortions, people are beating their kids, and mines gone. I just want to scream, throw things, hit something. I'm praying for the bleeding to start so I can try and heal. The doctor said it shouldn't be much worse than a normal period. He's wrong. I'm not having cramps, I'm having contractions. Cramps don't come at evenly spaced intervals (every hour right now), last 45-60 seconds, and then go away and leave you with no pain.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that I can get pregnant. I had decided I couldn't. I'm glad it happened so fast. We may have been trying for almost 2 years but it's was only my 3rd cycle since my surgery and my 1st time on Clomid. I know from research that an estimated 90% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. I think I just happen to be one of the few women who has never had a chemical pregnancy without knowing it.

I'm pretty sure this was a girl. I know it's super super early but I just feel it. I was lying in bed earlier and in the middle of one of my horrible cramps the name Isabella Grace popped into my head. I just looked up the meaning and Isabella means "consecrated to God" and Grace is "grace of God". I had NO idea what they meant but how perfect is that? A precious baby that was given directly to God. That makes me feel a tiny smidge better. It lets me "know" that God hasn't left me and is here with me. I think I'm going to get a ring, necklace, something with the January birthstone. It may sound crazy I just feel like I should get something to remember her by.

It finally happened!!!

IM PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful that all I had to do was one round of Clomid. It still hasn't fully sunk in yet. I keep going back and staring at the tests. I have thanked God and prayed about 100 times since I took that test yesterday. He is amazing and wonderful and I am so thankful. I'm trying to take it an hour, a day at a time, and not worry about losing this bean. It's hard though knowing all the things that can go wrong. The miscarriage rate is already so high and when you add PCOS and endo to it it's even worse. I've gotta call the doc on base Monday. I think I have to go pee on a stick there before they'll give me a referral to an OB. I already have a referral for fertility treatments though so I'm going to go ahead and call by OB/GYN's nurse Monday and leave a message telling her I'm pregnant and asking if I can come in for a beta and another progesterone check just to make sure my levels are high enough. I'll feel a lot better after those two tests. No matter how much I read, or how many friends tell me, that cramps are normal I'm still worrying. In my brain I KNOW that 1) cramps are normal, uterus has to stretch to make room for baby 2) I've had three laps so there has to be scar tissue that's stretching 3) I have endo which is going to cause more pain and 4) my last lap was 3 1/2 months ago so I'm sure I'm not fully healed from that yet.

No real morning sickness yet. I'm only 3 weeks 6 days so it'll probably kick in within the next week or two. I was nauseous last night and have been getting car sick easier, even when I'm driving! I either have no appetite or I'm starving but NOTHING sounds good, nothing. I'm having the cramps off and on and backache. Exhaustion is getting the better of me. It's weird though. I'm so drained that I can't even stand up yet I can't sleep. This heat is getting to me too. I don't know if it's that I'm not acclimated to it anymore after three years overseas or if it's the extra hormones. After 10 minutes standing outside I was about to pass out. (95 degrees with 90% humidity) And you know what? I'm loving EVERY MINUTE of it so far.

I want to tell everybody but then again I don't want to tell anybody. I want to give it time to sink in and enjoy myself for a few days first. I'm not telling my parents until I go to the doctor and have it confirmed. ( i say that but im having lunch with my parents today so we'll see if i can keep it in)

Loooooong day

Today was a LONG day. I found out Friday that I was going to get more responsibilities at work without the raise. Don't you love how that happens? So I started the new stuff today only to have the woman who is currently doing it do the same thing. Apparently nobody really talked to each other and knows what is going on. I ended up doing a lot of work for nothing. Very frustrating!!

The right ovary pains were random twinges today and still some minor cramps. I got one random really sharp pain on the left ovary today and some random twinges. I don't know if the Clomid is making me O on both sides or not. I've been super nauseous which I didn't know was a sign of ovulation. It's driving me nuts but I know my body is working :) I would just turn my fan on my desk on high and lay my head down for a few minutes. Since I'm not temping I'm going to put ovulation as tomorrow just to be sure I don't test too early.

Totally different topic but we haven't really been able to agree on boy names but we finally did for one...David Matthew which mean "beloved" and "gift from God". We haven't been able to think of any girl names. I like the name Marjike which is popular in Europe but nobody would be able to pronounce it right. I was reading a Nora Roberts book this past week and came across two names that I totally fell in love with!! Emmaline Mackenzie <3

As we were lying in bed last night I asked DH if he had decided what I/we could do to make him enjoy BDing more. The first thing he said was that he needed to get more sleep. I knew that was part of it. We're pretty sure he has sleep apnea and he just really isn't getting quality sleep and it wears him out. The only other thing he said was that it would be nice if I was "frisky" when he was. It just seems like we're never really in the mood together. I told him to grab me, back me up against the wall, and kiss my brains out. I said I promise you that will work :)

...wow I just realize that they got rid of John & Kate plus 8 (obviously) but now they have Kate Plus 8?......

Hopefully my wonderful DH will call before he comes home from his meeting and bring me a sprite to help with the tossing cookies feeling. Coke would work better but I'm trying to be a good possible mommy and lay off the caffeine.

Yay for OPK's!!

I have a little more hope then I did a few days ago. I had another baby dream last night although this one was a whole lot weirder! I was holding someone's baby (as in a few months old) and it looked up at me and said "it's time". I'm always looking for meanings in my dreams and I'm thinking Ok, maybe this means it's going to happen soon, this month or in a few.....I decided to take another OPK today even though I had no intention because they've all been very negative and I just figured either I missed the surge or the Clomid isn't working. It's been 8 days since I stopped the Clomid but nope it was very positive!!!! Woohooo!!!! Finally a positive that is actually positive not just stupid PCOS playing tricks on me. My right ovary is killing me, as in double over in pain for a few seconds. I'm still working with DH on the sex thing. I told him he was either having sex with me or doing his thing in an instead cup tonight and the next two and his response was "even though I just had sex with you last night?" That hurt, a lot, but I'm trying to just ignore that hurt right now. I asked him on the way to mothers day lunch with my family what I could do to make him enjoy sex again. I said it's obvious that you don't anymore. I told him I wanted an HONEST answer and that I already knew losing weight would make me more attractive to him and would help. That's OK. I know I'm over weight. He would be happy if I was down to the weight I was when I met him which was still on the bigger side....anyway he said "let me think about it and get back to you". Without that connection I feel like something is missing in our marriage. I WANT him to WANT to have sex with me and enjoy it....I'm just not sure what to do....

It's been a while

It's been a really long time since I've posted. I started Clomid this cycle and took my last pill last Saturday. The side effects haven't been too bad. I had some anger issues and a few crying jags, cramps and some ovary pain. I'm just so frustrated with it all right now. I know this isn't the month. I'm just not feeling it. I had EWCM last week for a few days. I had tons of creamy and EWCM yesterday with some major ovary pain. Still no positive OPK. I don't know if I haven't ovulated yet or if I've just missed it with the OPKs. DH isn't being the most cooperative about the BDing. I know he's tired when he gets home. I don't know if he doesn't realize there is only one day you can get pregnant and sperm doesn't live that long or if he just doesn't care. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the only one stressing about and trying for this. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The dreams don't help. I haven't had a pregnant or BFP dream in a very long time thankfully. I had one last night though. I took a test and it showed up positive but instead of two lines there were four. One control and three test meaning triplets. That makes four dreams where I've had or been pregnant with triplets, two where three people I knew were pregnant, and my mom has had several where I either had twins or triplets.

I go Friday to have my progesterone checked to see if I actually O'd or not.