Time to Relax

I've decided that it's time to relax. It's time to let go and let God. I came to this realization a little after midnight Friday night as I'm lying in bed trying not to move with a cold wash cloth on my face. Very sick. As my wonderful DH is lying beside me making himself stay awake in case I need him I realized that I'm being totally selfish and putting too much pressure on everyone. My life has revolved around TTC talk, OPK's, pregnancy tests, timed BD..... I haven't paid enough attention to my marriage. I haven't even considered how he feels having to perform on command. I'm sure he's so tired of hearing about all things baby. I got upset with him the other night for getting frustrated with me but I can totally understand it now. I haven't wanted to do anything with one of our spare rooms because "it's for the baby". He'd finally had enough and basically said fine, we'll put our entire lives on hold, not do anything to the house, not buy anything. Of course I cried but he really had a point. I just wish it hadn't taken food poisoning or a virus to come to that conclusion. I'm still going to take my vitamins and cinnamon (at least until I start met). I'm still going to schedule an appointment with the RE. I'm still going to take Clomid and injectibles if needed. I've decided that I don't think we'll try IUI if the meds don't work. DH doesn't care if we have a child of our own or adopt. He honestly doesn't care if we have children at all. Don't get me wrong he wants them but he won't feel like his life is missing anything if we don't. As long as he has me and I'm happy he's happy. We were never going to do IVF because it's so expensive and a child is all that's important to me, not where it came from. I've decided that spending several hundred dollars several times for IUI just isn't worth it to me. I want to be pregnant but if it doesn't happen I will survive. I've been reading the Infertility Companion and it's honestly helped me a lot. We just ordered P90X and my focus, for at least the next 30 days, is me. Getting me healthy and happy. God knows what's supposed to happen in my life and I've just got to have faith that it will happen that way.

Of course all of that won't stop me from wondering every month two and three days before AF is supposed to show. I don't think anything could make that fearful/hopeful feeling go away. I'll still have moments where it consumes me to begin with, that's just going to take time.

You've heard of the "Bucket List", this is similar. Someone wrote up 99 things to do before you die and it's been going around the internet. I found it on Pregnanty Yuppy's Blog. Now it's my turn.

Bold the things that you've done...
1. Started your own blog - obviously.
2. Slept under the stars - camping
3. Played in a band - Don't have the patience to learn an instrument.
4. Visited Hawaii - nope and probably won't. I HATE flying
5. Watched a meteor shower - couple of times.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - Depends. Afford if I cut my spending on useless things but since I can't seem to do that, yes.
7. Been to DisneyWorld - nope, sad huh.
8. climbed a mountain- I've been on top of one, but never climbed one.
9. Held a praying mantis - I don't know if I've ever seen one.
10. Sang a solo - In church a lot when I was younger. I should probably still do it. God gives you a gift you should use it before it goes away.
11. Bungee jumped - Nope
12. Visited Paris - Yes, it actually wasn't all that. Dirty and gross for the most part.
13. Watched a lightning storm - I love them. So pretty.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Painting. Not very good at it though.
15. Adopted a child - Not yet. Seems we may be heading that way though.
16. Had food poisoning - I think everybody has.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - The only time I've bee in NY was a layover at JFK and didn't leave the airport.
18. Grown your own vegetables- not yet. planning on it though.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - It was cool. The Louvre is HUGE though.
20. slept on an overnight train- nope
21. Had a pillow fight - yes
22. Hitch hiked - no, nor do I ever plan to
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - I think everyone has. Sometimes you just need a break.
24. Built a snow fort- snow what's snow. Alabama doesn't get a lot of snow. The one big snow we had in Holland I was in a cast from my thigh to my ankle.
25. .Held a lamb--nope
26. Run a Marathon- me run?
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - negative
29. Seen a total eclipse - I think I was in 6th grade.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - of course
31. Hit a home run - ummm, no.
32. Been on a cruise- no and i have no desire to
33.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - Germany but not Scotland or England
35. Seen an Amish community -- yes
36. Taught yourself a new language - some Spanish
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - I've got everything I need
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - no
39. Gone rock climbing - Nope
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David - yes
41. Sung karaoke - Once in college.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt - nope
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - no, I should though.
44. Visited Africa - nope
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - love it. so romantic
46. Been transported in an ambulance - yup, 4 wheeler wreck, no helmet =STUPID
47. Had your portrait painted - nope
48. Gone deep sea fishing - Nope, and I do not want to.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - nope, .
50. -Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris -- nope line was way too long
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - snorkeling when I was little. Just up close to the shore though
52. Kissed in the rain - yup
53. Played in the mud - still do
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - yes
55. Been in a movie - No
56. Visited the Great Wall of China - No
57. Started a business - No
58. Taken a martial arts class- no
59. Visited Russia - No
60. Served at a soup kitchen - not
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies- never a girl scout
62. Gone whale watching - no
63. Got flowers for no reason - a couple of times
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- nope too big of a chicken. My excuse used to be that I didn't way enough. I can't say that anymore
65. Gone sky diving - No but I want to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - yes
67. Bounced a cheque - No
68. Flown in a helicopter - Nope
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I still have albert, ugly baby, and scare elephant, not to mention my blanket
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - yes
71. Eaten Caviar- no and I have no desire to
72. Pieced a quilt - nope
73. Stood in Times Square- I haven't been to NYC
74. Toured the Everglades - no
75.Been fired froma job- no
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - in London no, in DC yes
77. Broken a bone - arm, ankle, leg
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - yes, not for long though
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - Not
80. Published a book - a couple of poems, does that count?
81. Visited the Vatican - no
82. Bought a brand new car - Yes. I love it!
83. Walked in Jerusalem - Nope would love to though
84. Had your picture in the newspaper - when I was younger, pageants, awards,
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve - yes
86. Visited the White House - No
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Nope
88. Had chickenpox - Yes, still have scars
89. Saved someone’s life - yes, kinda. My grandfather was an serious alcoholic until I was born. He stopped cause I wouldn't let him hold me when he was drunk
90. Sat on a jury - Nope, and I actually WANT to
91. Met someone famous - nope
92. Joined a book club - no
93. Got a tattoo- nope, not yet
94. Had a baby - um HELLO do you SEE the posts in this blog?
95. Seen the Alamo in person - Nope
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - Nope .
97. Been involved in a law suit - one of those where you get a letter saying hey your involved in a suit if we win you'll get like a dollar
98. Owned a cell phone - Duh - yes.
99. Been stung by a bee - When I was a kid. Not for a long time.

By my count that's 40/99. How about you?

Breakdown last night :)

I had a meltdown last night. It was actually my fist in 13 months. I knew it would eventually happen. I got on Facebook and saw two pregnancy announcements. One of which just had a baby about 8 months ago and found out yesterday the sex of the baby. DH didn't know what to think when I burst into tears. AF showed about 45 minutes later so I'm blaming everything on her :) I feel better emotionally now. I ordered the Fertility Companion yesterday and am really looking forward to that getting here. I'm exhausted right now though. My cramps kicked in about 2 this morning. I got up and got my heating pad. Waited a while took a Lortab left over from the surgery. 45 minutes later I was still dying so I took 3 Ibuprofen then went and sat in the shower for about 45 minutes. They finally died down enough to sleep about 5 or 5:30. It was the wost my cramps have been in about 8 months. I guess it was just cause it was so soon after the surgery and my body is still recovering from that.

I went to the doc yesterday because I've been feeling so crappy. She did a blood pregnancy test, CBC, and checked my electrolytes. Everything was normal. Apparently I just caught a virus from the hospital. Fever, throat huts, nose driving me nuts, and fluid on my ears. I thought my tubes were still there. They are but not in place anymore. They were 3 weeks ago. It sucks that they've been out less than a month and there's already fluid on them!!

We went and helped my dad clean up my grandparents house some more today. (She passed away unexpectedly 5 weeks ago and my grandfather is in the nursing home) I got some more books, some gnomes to put in my garden, two pretty pearl necklaces (they're fake but pretty), and some really pretty crystal glasses (also fake). I love having all of this stuff from my grandmother. It's something I'll be able to pass to my children, and hopefully will be passed to my grandchildren.

Boycotting Hormones

I hate hormones!!!! Either one of those small cysts has grown in the past 10 days and releasing serious progesterone or the surgery cleaned me out good and I have super PMS symptoms now. The naseau started Sunday and hasn't let up. Monday I was sitting at my desk at work with a bag of peppermints, a coke, and a sleeve of crackers. I've had to force myself to eat because everything I put in my mouth just makes me wanna blah. I'm exhausted, was asleep by 8 last night, and was still tired this morning. I have random dizzy/light headed moments. Lastly my boobs HURT!!! I was sitting cross legged on the bed and leaned over to pick something up and almost cried. Have I mentioned the crying? At sad things, at sweet things, at nothing :) If I were actually pregnant I would be loving it all but I'm not. I'm having cramps, I had surgery, and no DTD for 1-2 more weeks so it hasn't happened since the surgery. I'm going to see my regular PCM tomorrow morning to see what's going on. Something is. I just don't feel right. Hopefully she won't think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just getting sick. My throat is icky and when I blow my nose there's some blood. I've also been running a low grade fever since the surgery. (doc said anything under 101 is ok) 10 days later I shouldn't be having one at all. It's been between 99.3 and 100 which isn't that high but when your temp is normally 97.2 or so, that's pretty high. My shoulder is still killing me from the gas which isn't helping matters and my belly is still swollen. I guess that could be PMS bloating though. Ok, enough complaining.

I subscribe to that what God wants you to know today thing on Facebook and he's seriously been talking to me. I've gotten "you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings", and "if you desire something, offer something. Offerings don't have to monetary they can be gifts, words, or prayers", and "prayer is only real when it comes from your heart" and lastly the best one that is so hard to do :

... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

I KNOW I have to let this fertility journey go. I know that God is in control and nothing I can say or do will change the way He has things planned for me. I'm just no good with patience!! I always say that God doesn't make mistakes when I talk to my husband about things he doesn't understand. He had me the other night. I was complaining about my body being broken and he said " I though you said God doesn't make mistakes, if you believe that then your body is obviously the way it's supposed to be. That means it's not broken." Wow. That's all I can say. I KNOW that God has me/us going through this for a reason but it helps hearing things like that. 'Specially coming from a man who is lacking in faith most times. He's a firefighter and while he's seen the accidents that people shouldn't walk away from survive, he's also seen the opposite. The one he went to there was a stupid (that's saying it nicely) woman driving while eating a plate of spaghetti, who eats spaghetti while driving? She swerved in the other lane, hit a car with two teenage boys, and walked away. The boys were carried away in body bags. I can totally understand where that could make you lose your faith if it wasn't strong enough. I totally digressed. The point of all that was basically maybe this journey is meant to help bring not only me, but him closer to God. I know already that this past year has made me realize how special children are and I will appreciate it so much more than I would have.

I know this is a super long post. Thanks for reading it, just two more things I was in the shower thinking that I used to want 2 kids but now I think I want three. Being any only child was lonely. Then I realize, I'm NOT an only child. Before this infertility I never really thought about. My mom had anywhere from 3-7 miscarriages. I was a lot younger so I can't remember how many I knew about. I'm sure there were more that my parents managed to keep from me. I have brothers and sisters in heaven. I'm still amazed at that. I can't believe I never even though about it. Last thing, I promise :) I got a text message from my mom on the way to work this morning. It said "had a dream last night you had twins. Had to ask their names because they looked just alike". I had a dream that I was pregnant last night too. Mom and I together are little physics. When we both have a dream about pregnancy someone ends up pregnant. Maybe not the person we dreamed about but someone we know. Maybe it's me this time. I have dreamed in the past that I had identical twin boys. Something in me just feels like that's what's going to happen. Brandon Matthew and Zachary Noah or David Addison.

OK done now :)

kinda down today

Kinda crappy today. Unfortunately one of the side affects of anesthesia for me is constipation (TMI, I know). I had the surgery Monday and gave it until yesterday to *clear itself up* Since that didn't happen I took some medicine last night. Needless to say today hasn't been fun. Plus I was very nauseous tonight (and last night). Then when I went to the bathroom earlier I had EWCM with a little blood. AF is *supposed* to start on Thursday so my options are she's actually going to show early, which never happens with me because of the PCOS, another side effect of the surgery (I had NO bleeding after the surgery), or somehow miraculously I actually ovulated this month, it was on my right side, the eggie fertilized, and a clean healthy uterus actually let the eggie implant AND the surgery didn't kill it. Yeh I know, that one just isn't possible but a girl can always dream.

I started looking up info about hydrosalpinx (a distally blocked fallopian tube filled with serous or clear fluid). Apparently pregnancy rates are low because the infection or adhesion has permanently damaged the tube. I know I still have one tube that's good but that doesn't really make me feel better ATM. I was feeling so positive after the surgery knowing Dr. Butler was really excited that things looked as good as they did. I'm trying to get out of that mind set but it's so hard to stay positive after 13 months of nothing, 3 laps in 7 years, PCOS, a crappy tube, endo, and a family history of still birth and miscarriages.

On another note I gave Matt permission to hurt my feelings if I ever got too fat!! :) DHC has had 627 pound woman show and now it's a half-ton teenager show. I just can't imagine being that big. How does it happen? I guess the same way I let myself get to 175 pounds.

Making a new me

I've decided that I really need to make a "new" me. I know when I go to a RE the first thing he is going to say is lose weight. I also know that with PCOS losing weight isn't going to be easy until I get Metformin but I can still try. I may not lose weight until then but I'll be healthier. I know that gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia can't always be prevented but I want to make sure that I don't get either one because I was too overweight when I got pregnant. So on top of TTC stuff and daily life stuff I'll be posting about how weight loss is going and what I've been eating.

I'm not at my biggest but only a mere 10 pounds away from it. I never thought I would get this big. I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen. In high school I was 105 pounds. I realize now that I was WAY to small and don't want to be there again. My goal as of right now is 145 and once I get there I'll see if I think I should lose more. That's 30 pounds I need to lose. I would love to have it all off before I got pregnant BUT hope I don't. Realistically that should take 4-5 months at least and I really would love to be pregnant before then.

The weight started piling on when I started BC. After being diagnosed with PCOS and reading up on it I understand why it happened. I know I still eat unhealthy and its 80% my fault but it's still nice knowing that there's 20% there that isn't :)

Enough about weight....I went shopping today and am so proud of myself. I bought 5 books, two pairs of shoes (a brown flat sandal with turquoise beads and a pair of black heels that look like lace up wingtips), a gray silk tank top with a design at the top, a fitted gray tweed hip length jacket, and a pair of gray pants. $110 dollars for everything!!! I fell in love with the clothes store. The three things were all really marked down but even regularly they weren't expensive. The jacket was 13 dollars on sale, 36 not. And we bought a dryer today. It was a floor model with a dent in the bottom. $300 dollar discount for a DENT. Big freakin whoop, it still works. Now it won't take 3 hours to dry a load of clothes!!!!

Boatloads of snow

My phone rings at 6 this morning and it's my boss saying "hey don't come in today". Yeh, Southern Alabama, where it hasn't snowed in 17 years has about 6 inches of snow on the ground and doesn't look like it's letting up anytime soon. It's crazy. As I'm sitting here typing my dalmatian is looking at me all pitiful whining then pacing to the door and back. Both he and my lab LOVE the snow and he wants back out NOW. Since I can't resist that pitiful face I guess I'm heading back outside.

Beginnings

I've never done a blog before but I figured it might help me get my mind on straight :) It's been a long road so far and only promises to get even longer. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20 after several different doctors and several incorrect diagnosis. I've done the birth control, the Lupron, and the surgeries. I had my third one this past Monday. I was conditionally diagnosed with PCOS in October and it was confirmed in the last lap. We've been TTC for 13 cycles now and it doesn't get any easier. They say things get easier with time, but trust me, infertility doesn't. I have my post-op appointment on March 9th. Hopefully my OBGYN will go ahead and give me Met and Clomid. I feel like I just don't have the time to wait 2 or 3 months until I can get in with a RE to start the medically assisted part. I'm not getting any younger!!! I'm feeling positive about my chances now, I just hope that feeling doesn't go away. When I was younger I was positive I didn't want children ever...I felt that way up until about 3 years ago and now I cannot understand why I ever felt that way.