I'm awesome

I think I did pretty dang good for only my second time shooting!!! I think DH feels a lot better about me doing the reserve police now that he knows I can actually hit someone if I need to. Turns out I enjoy shooting weapons. The bigger holes are my 9mm which I carry with me "on duty" and will carry on long trips and what not for protection. The small ones are DH's 22. That gun is soooo tiny and does not kick at all. I could have done it with one hand.

On the TTC front I decided not to try Clomid this month. DH's going to WLC (school he has to go to in the military to get a promotion) for a month soon and I just decided that it's not worth what the possible side effects could do to me and everyone around me when chances are I won't even O before he leaves. I was still iffy about it but the horrible migraine with nausea and extreme dizziness kinda made that decision for me. I wasn't about to add more nausea and dizziness it would probably add to it!!

DH were talking yesterday and we've decided that we're going to send me to school to get my EMT. I think I *might* be filling my life with other things since the baby department doesn't seem to be working too well for us. Between taking my last class for my CJ degree and taking the exit exam, working on my paralegal certification, EMT courses, reserve police officer, and work I'm not going to have time to stress and worry.

Am I the only one who bounces back and forth between being patient and Ok with things taking forever and 100% trusting in God and then being mad and frustrated and pissed with the world?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm seriously frustrated today!!! I went shopping for my police stuff: belt,boots,badge holder,khaki cargo pants....found NOTHING. AF still hasn't shown and my tests are negative. I obviously didn't O the week I thought orginaly. If I O'd when the OPK was positive she isn't due until the 25th. I'm either 9 or 10 dpo and getting negative tests, boobs are still sore, still cramping bad. I would take Clomid the 29-2 and DH leaves for school the 6th. Which means I have two choices: wait and not put my body and mental health through the hormones since the chances of me Oing 4 days after the last pill are pretty much non-existant or go ahead and take it that way I'll know if it is making me O or not so that the next cycle we can either stay, go up to 100 or swap to Femara. I'm so emotional right now and it's just driving me batty. I pray for strength all the time for getting through this journey. Most of the time I wonder why God isn't helping me and then I realize He is. Most days, not all, things happen or I see certain things and I'm able to say "life sucks deal with it" and I do. I haven't had many break downs, I don't cry all the time. Obviously God is helping me. It helped a lot when I finally realized that. Right now I'm in that state of mind though where I'm just ready to give up. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm worried that the next few months are going to cause problems in my marriage. DH is learning new things at work on top of flying in helicopters 2-4 hours a day which wears you out. He's so tired when he gets home that he can hardly stay awake to eat. How's he going to be able to have sex when we need to? Am I going to be taking the Clomid for no reason? Having a baby is NOT supposed to be this hard!!!! Crackheads and teenagers get pregnant everyday. People who abuse their kids and don't love them have a house full. Every freakin time I get on Facebook I see yet another pregnancy announcement. In the past 3 weeks I've had 6 people I went to school with make the announcement. I'm seriously thinking about putting my account on hold for a few weeks. I'm also supposed to be going to a cousins baby shower at my parents house in April. I think I'm just going to have to tell mom that I'm sorry but I just can't do it. Nobody wants somebody having a breakdown during their baby shower. I know she'll understand I just don't want her to know how much this is bothering me. She's already stressing about it worrying about me and she thinks that I'm doing pretty good with it plus my grandmother had surgery today and shes stressed about that. My grandmother weighs about 600 pounds so she can't really do things for herself and I love her but she's very selfish and treats my mom like crap. I know the next week is going to be hell for her. (my grandmothers mom died when she was really little and she was raised by an aunt who pretty much gave her food and put a roof over her head but gave her no affection so it really affected her mentally and made her crave a lot of attention which makes her forget to treat others well sometimes)

Ok I think I'm done for the day. I need to go blow my nose :)

Don't think is the month anymore...

Originally AF was supposed to show on the 19th. Getting that positive OPK pushed it back until the 25th. I'm already starting to have cramps though so I'm starting to think maybe I didn't O last week and am gearing up for AF already. If it were a few days from now I might think it was implantation cramping but on 4DPO that's pretty unlikely. I'm trying not to get discouraged. It'll happen when it happens. For now I have being a cop to look forward to, taking my one last class to graduate, and losing weight. I've decided not to worry about getting a 7DPO progesterone check...

Inster catchy title here

Today was plug ovulation day into due date calculator day. Depending on if I ovulate today -15 I get a due date of December 1-6. That's an amazingly special time period for me and would love to have a baby during that time frame. When I was younger, starting in high school, I dated a guy off and on from the time i was 16 until I was 20. He was my first love and a part of me will always love him. I love my husband with all my heart and would never change that for anything but you know how first loves are. He was killed in a car accident in January of 2004. His birthday is December 6th. It would just be an awesome way to remember him. Of course that's not the only reason that time frame would be great. It would mean this is the month, no more trying and feeling defeated month after month.

I did manage to get hubby to BD yesterday. He was tired but I was persuasive :) I left work early yesterday because I didn't feel too great and we are so slow that I've been sitting there for days literally doing nothing so I figured what's the point in staying. Anyway, I got home about 1 and DH called around 2 and was getting off early, which is amazing in the military. I took this as a sign and was not going to let the day go by without it happening. What are the chances that we would both be home early like that? The OPK was positive again this A.M. I'm going to test again in about an hour/ hour and a half and see if the surge is still there. If so I'm going to try and jump DH again. Probably won't happen because I'm home sick again and he "doesn't want to get sick". If not it will happen again tomorrow!! I just don't want to miss this time, knowing that I'm ovulating finally. I'm not letting myself think about the fact that on my monitored cycle I "ovulated" when in reality I didn't. I'm thinking positive!!!! And I just had a revelation. My doctor said that during my Clomid cycle next month he'd have me come in on CD 23 for blood work. I'm calling tomorrow to leave a message with his nurse to see if I can to that this month so I'll KNOW if I ovulated and won't all anxious about the TWW.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay for Ovulation!!!!

Good news and bad news today. This is the good news:



The bad news is since I'm O'ing so late in my cycle Clomid next cycle is a bust. DH will only be around until about CD 8-12. This is really taking all of my letting go and letting God strength not to totally obsess over this. 18 months and 14 cycles of TTC and this is the first time that I KNOW I'm O'ing...assuming it actually happens and isn't a "false start". It was almost positive last night and that looks pretty darn positive today to me. O'ing in the next 24-36 hours would be Friday at the latest, that means testing on....the 22nd if my IC's are here, the 28th if not. I think I'll start taking my temp tomorrow morning so I'll be in the habit of it next month if this month is a bust. I'm really thinking the soy isoflavones had something to do with it. I took the last one on the 27th and 10 days later get an almost positive OPK.

I hope I can convince DH to BD!! He's been going to PT, working, in school to be a flight firefighter at a different military air field, and feeding our friends dogs every morning and night while they are in Birmingham (her dad is in hospice and was taken off the ventilator yesterday). Needless to say he's stressed, not sleeping well, and feels guilty that he doesn't have the energy to love me. Tonight I don't think I'm giving him an option. I don't want to miss this month. I need to know that I've done everything I could possibly do. It'll be easier to have faith and not be mad at myself...

Brithday and Doctor Day

Today was my 28th birthday. This time last year we had just started fertility testing and I told myself that by my next birthday I would either be pregnant or have a baby. Nope, neither. That's ok though.

The doctor said everything looked good during my surgery. The cyst he removed was some kind of cyst that some women are born with. Some get bigger, some don't, some return after being removed, some don't :) It was keeping my tube from moving so he said there's a change that it was keeping the tube from doing it's job. First he said to give it 6 months and see what happens. I said what about the PCOS? We went into the whole wacky cycles, no positive OPK's, no temp showing ovulation... so next cycle I call his office on CD1 and they'll call in a prescription for Clomid. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course I'm hoping that this, my first cycle after surgery, will end in pregnancy. DH has school from April 6-27 so we'll be cutting it really close. As long as AF shows on time, which she has the past two cycles, he'll be here up until CD18 and I should have ovulated by then.

Endo awareness month

First of March is Endometriosis Awareness month. Wear yellow as much as you can since that's the color. Promote awareness. Endometriosis is the most common cause of infertility affecting 5 1/2 million women in the United States alone yet it takes most women multiple doctors over several years to get a diagnosis. It's characterized by excruciating pain several days a month, heavy bleeding, infertility, and pretty much some level of pain every day 24 hours a day. In normal healthy women, every 28 days or so, the uterus sheds it's lining and leaves the body through a period. Endometriosis is when some of this lining grows in other areas of the body. Usually the ovaries, uterus, and fallopian tubes. Other common areas are the kidneys, bladder, and bowels. Much less common is when it migrates to the lungs, heart, and other areas such as the brain. There is no cure for endometriosis. The only methods of trying to get relief are birth control and Lupron. Even a hysterectomy does not guarantee relief from pain as most of the time the ovaries are left and will still release estrogen. OK, enough of the lecture :)

So as I reread my post from yesterday I realized it kinda sounded like I was contradicting myself. In the end what I was basically saying was we are going to keep trying, full force, BUT I'm not going to let it consume my every though. Make sense?

I'm home sick again today. I really hope I don't get the boot at work. I wish this nausea would go away. I know it's hormones I just don't know if this is what I'm going to be like all the time now that my "plumbing" is cleaned out or if this is normal pre-ovulation hormones. I'm so ready to go to the doctor next week so I can get all this figured out.

On a much happier note I just ordered 30 OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and 10 early HPT's (home pregnancy tests) from Ebay for $1.00!!!!! I'm not a huge fan of the IC's (internet cheapies) but at that price I can give into my POAS (pee on a stick) addiction and not feel like I'm going broke.

I'm also trying not to think about the fact that Wednesday is my birthday and I'll be one year closer to 30 (28). Ever since I was diagnosed with endo I've been told that I needed to have all the kids I want by the time I'm 30 because my chances after that will be very slim. I can see why now after 15 months of nothing. I'm one of not many women who can say they've been trying that long with out a pregnancy. Am I happy that that's the case since it means I haven't had a miscarriage or am I sad because I haven't experienced pregnancy even if it was only for a few days or weeks?

Ok this post has been totally rambling all over the place :) My last though is, do I let people IRL know about this blog or just leave it with my JM friends?