No more adoption

Apparently adoption was never really an option for DH. I finally asked him last night why he always said "you" when he talked about it, never "we" or "us". He said it's not that he doesn't want a kid, or that he minds having an adopted child. He just can't see spending 20 grand for it. He said it's too much like human trafficking. All that research, all that time I spent, all the hopes I had knowing that soon I would be a mom either way, gone, worthless. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how many times I can deal with the Clomid. I battle depression as it is, and am on meds for it off an on and the Clomid is just killing me. Plus this time it's making me sick and causing horrible headaches. If I knew it would work it would be worth it but not knowing.... Plus there's the fact that once DH is out of the military we won't be able to afford any further fertility treatments. 6-7 months and any chance of having a child will be gone.

I'm so angry right now at him. If he felt that way all along he should have told me, not let me go on with such hope. Right now, too, I'm done. Maybe in two weeks once the Clomid is out of my system I'll change my mind, but for now this is it. I'll probably end up giving it one more shot with the Clomid next month, but no more. I feel horrible giving up, like I don't care or want it bad enough but it's just taking over. It's been almost 2 years and I spend 90% of my waking hours trying not to cry. I keep finding myself angry with DH because I don't think he wants it as much as me. I'm becoming very selfish - not worried or thinking about anything but babies- and he's not afraid to tell me. It's coming between us. I'm praying for strength and guidance..........