..........and it's over :(

I took a test yesterday morning and no line. I called the doctor and went in for betas and the level was only 9. The doctor said their tests measure starting at 30 so Monday morning my levels were at least 30 and two days later 9. I never knew something could hurt this bad. I cried harder than I think I've ever cried. I'll be fine for a while and then I'll just burst into tears again. I can't even begin to try to heal until I actually miscarry. I'm still not even spotting. Apparently the wonderful doctor said it was only a chemical not a "real" pregnancy. I'm glad I was too upset to hear that part and didn't know he said it until DH told me last night. Chemical or not, I WAS pregnant. For 3 days I had a baby growing inside of me. I was a mommy. I feel so empty. I think I've cycled through the stages of grief at a breakneck pace about 3 times since yesterday morning. I'm heartbroken, I'm angry. I'm really really mad at God right now. I know it happened for a reason but I'm still pissed. So many women right this second are having abortions, people are beating their kids, and mines gone. I just want to scream, throw things, hit something. I'm praying for the bleeding to start so I can try and heal. The doctor said it shouldn't be much worse than a normal period. He's wrong. I'm not having cramps, I'm having contractions. Cramps don't come at evenly spaced intervals (every hour right now), last 45-60 seconds, and then go away and leave you with no pain.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that I can get pregnant. I had decided I couldn't. I'm glad it happened so fast. We may have been trying for almost 2 years but it's was only my 3rd cycle since my surgery and my 1st time on Clomid. I know from research that an estimated 90% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. I think I just happen to be one of the few women who has never had a chemical pregnancy without knowing it.

I'm pretty sure this was a girl. I know it's super super early but I just feel it. I was lying in bed earlier and in the middle of one of my horrible cramps the name Isabella Grace popped into my head. I just looked up the meaning and Isabella means "consecrated to God" and Grace is "grace of God". I had NO idea what they meant but how perfect is that? A precious baby that was given directly to God. That makes me feel a tiny smidge better. It lets me "know" that God hasn't left me and is here with me. I think I'm going to get a ring, necklace, something with the January birthstone. It may sound crazy I just feel like I should get something to remember her by.