Time to Relax

I've decided that it's time to relax. It's time to let go and let God. I came to this realization a little after midnight Friday night as I'm lying in bed trying not to move with a cold wash cloth on my face. Very sick. As my wonderful DH is lying beside me making himself stay awake in case I need him I realized that I'm being totally selfish and putting too much pressure on everyone. My life has revolved around TTC talk, OPK's, pregnancy tests, timed BD..... I haven't paid enough attention to my marriage. I haven't even considered how he feels having to perform on command. I'm sure he's so tired of hearing about all things baby. I got upset with him the other night for getting frustrated with me but I can totally understand it now. I haven't wanted to do anything with one of our spare rooms because "it's for the baby". He'd finally had enough and basically said fine, we'll put our entire lives on hold, not do anything to the house, not buy anything. Of course I cried but he really had a point. I just wish it hadn't taken food poisoning or a virus to come to that conclusion. I'm still going to take my vitamins and cinnamon (at least until I start met). I'm still going to schedule an appointment with the RE. I'm still going to take Clomid and injectibles if needed. I've decided that I don't think we'll try IUI if the meds don't work. DH doesn't care if we have a child of our own or adopt. He honestly doesn't care if we have children at all. Don't get me wrong he wants them but he won't feel like his life is missing anything if we don't. As long as he has me and I'm happy he's happy. We were never going to do IVF because it's so expensive and a child is all that's important to me, not where it came from. I've decided that spending several hundred dollars several times for IUI just isn't worth it to me. I want to be pregnant but if it doesn't happen I will survive. I've been reading the Infertility Companion and it's honestly helped me a lot. We just ordered P90X and my focus, for at least the next 30 days, is me. Getting me healthy and happy. God knows what's supposed to happen in my life and I've just got to have faith that it will happen that way.

Of course all of that won't stop me from wondering every month two and three days before AF is supposed to show. I don't think anything could make that fearful/hopeful feeling go away. I'll still have moments where it consumes me to begin with, that's just going to take time.