Boycotting Hormones

I hate hormones!!!! Either one of those small cysts has grown in the past 10 days and releasing serious progesterone or the surgery cleaned me out good and I have super PMS symptoms now. The naseau started Sunday and hasn't let up. Monday I was sitting at my desk at work with a bag of peppermints, a coke, and a sleeve of crackers. I've had to force myself to eat because everything I put in my mouth just makes me wanna blah. I'm exhausted, was asleep by 8 last night, and was still tired this morning. I have random dizzy/light headed moments. Lastly my boobs HURT!!! I was sitting cross legged on the bed and leaned over to pick something up and almost cried. Have I mentioned the crying? At sad things, at sweet things, at nothing :) If I were actually pregnant I would be loving it all but I'm not. I'm having cramps, I had surgery, and no DTD for 1-2 more weeks so it hasn't happened since the surgery. I'm going to see my regular PCM tomorrow morning to see what's going on. Something is. I just don't feel right. Hopefully she won't think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just getting sick. My throat is icky and when I blow my nose there's some blood. I've also been running a low grade fever since the surgery. (doc said anything under 101 is ok) 10 days later I shouldn't be having one at all. It's been between 99.3 and 100 which isn't that high but when your temp is normally 97.2 or so, that's pretty high. My shoulder is still killing me from the gas which isn't helping matters and my belly is still swollen. I guess that could be PMS bloating though. Ok, enough complaining.

I subscribe to that what God wants you to know today thing on Facebook and he's seriously been talking to me. I've gotten "you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings", and "if you desire something, offer something. Offerings don't have to monetary they can be gifts, words, or prayers", and "prayer is only real when it comes from your heart" and lastly the best one that is so hard to do :

... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

I KNOW I have to let this fertility journey go. I know that God is in control and nothing I can say or do will change the way He has things planned for me. I'm just no good with patience!! I always say that God doesn't make mistakes when I talk to my husband about things he doesn't understand. He had me the other night. I was complaining about my body being broken and he said " I though you said God doesn't make mistakes, if you believe that then your body is obviously the way it's supposed to be. That means it's not broken." Wow. That's all I can say. I KNOW that God has me/us going through this for a reason but it helps hearing things like that. 'Specially coming from a man who is lacking in faith most times. He's a firefighter and while he's seen the accidents that people shouldn't walk away from survive, he's also seen the opposite. The one he went to there was a stupid (that's saying it nicely) woman driving while eating a plate of spaghetti, who eats spaghetti while driving? She swerved in the other lane, hit a car with two teenage boys, and walked away. The boys were carried away in body bags. I can totally understand where that could make you lose your faith if it wasn't strong enough. I totally digressed. The point of all that was basically maybe this journey is meant to help bring not only me, but him closer to God. I know already that this past year has made me realize how special children are and I will appreciate it so much more than I would have.

I know this is a super long post. Thanks for reading it, just two more things I was in the shower thinking that I used to want 2 kids but now I think I want three. Being any only child was lonely. Then I realize, I'm NOT an only child. Before this infertility I never really thought about. My mom had anywhere from 3-7 miscarriages. I was a lot younger so I can't remember how many I knew about. I'm sure there were more that my parents managed to keep from me. I have brothers and sisters in heaven. I'm still amazed at that. I can't believe I never even though about it. Last thing, I promise :) I got a text message from my mom on the way to work this morning. It said "had a dream last night you had twins. Had to ask their names because they looked just alike". I had a dream that I was pregnant last night too. Mom and I together are little physics. When we both have a dream about pregnancy someone ends up pregnant. Maybe not the person we dreamed about but someone we know. Maybe it's me this time. I have dreamed in the past that I had identical twin boys. Something in me just feels like that's what's going to happen. Brandon Matthew and Zachary Noah or David Addison.

OK done now :)