uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm seriously frustrated today!!! I went shopping for my police stuff: belt,boots,badge holder,khaki cargo pants....found NOTHING. AF still hasn't shown and my tests are negative. I obviously didn't O the week I thought orginaly. If I O'd when the OPK was positive she isn't due until the 25th. I'm either 9 or 10 dpo and getting negative tests, boobs are still sore, still cramping bad. I would take Clomid the 29-2 and DH leaves for school the 6th. Which means I have two choices: wait and not put my body and mental health through the hormones since the chances of me Oing 4 days after the last pill are pretty much non-existant or go ahead and take it that way I'll know if it is making me O or not so that the next cycle we can either stay, go up to 100 or swap to Femara. I'm so emotional right now and it's just driving me batty. I pray for strength all the time for getting through this journey. Most of the time I wonder why God isn't helping me and then I realize He is. Most days, not all, things happen or I see certain things and I'm able to say "life sucks deal with it" and I do. I haven't had many break downs, I don't cry all the time. Obviously God is helping me. It helped a lot when I finally realized that. Right now I'm in that state of mind though where I'm just ready to give up. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm worried that the next few months are going to cause problems in my marriage. DH is learning new things at work on top of flying in helicopters 2-4 hours a day which wears you out. He's so tired when he gets home that he can hardly stay awake to eat. How's he going to be able to have sex when we need to? Am I going to be taking the Clomid for no reason? Having a baby is NOT supposed to be this hard!!!! Crackheads and teenagers get pregnant everyday. People who abuse their kids and don't love them have a house full. Every freakin time I get on Facebook I see yet another pregnancy announcement. In the past 3 weeks I've had 6 people I went to school with make the announcement. I'm seriously thinking about putting my account on hold for a few weeks. I'm also supposed to be going to a cousins baby shower at my parents house in April. I think I'm just going to have to tell mom that I'm sorry but I just can't do it. Nobody wants somebody having a breakdown during their baby shower. I know she'll understand I just don't want her to know how much this is bothering me. She's already stressing about it worrying about me and she thinks that I'm doing pretty good with it plus my grandmother had surgery today and shes stressed about that. My grandmother weighs about 600 pounds so she can't really do things for herself and I love her but she's very selfish and treats my mom like crap. I know the next week is going to be hell for her. (my grandmothers mom died when she was really little and she was raised by an aunt who pretty much gave her food and put a roof over her head but gave her no affection so it really affected her mentally and made her crave a lot of attention which makes her forget to treat others well sometimes)

Ok I think I'm done for the day. I need to go blow my nose :)