half way point

This week would have been the halfway point in my pregnancy. Yesterday would have been 20 weeks. It's so hard to believe that I would be halfway through my pregnancy, 4 weeks from viability, and have a big ol' belly. I just pray that this month will be the month I get pregnant again.

No more adoption

Apparently adoption was never really an option for DH. I finally asked him last night why he always said "you" when he talked about it, never "we" or "us". He said it's not that he doesn't want a kid, or that he minds having an adopted child. He just can't see spending 20 grand for it. He said it's too much like human trafficking. All that research, all that time I spent, all the hopes I had knowing that soon I would be a mom either way, gone, worthless. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how many times I can deal with the Clomid. I battle depression as it is, and am on meds for it off an on and the Clomid is just killing me. Plus this time it's making me sick and causing horrible headaches. If I knew it would work it would be worth it but not knowing.... Plus there's the fact that once DH is out of the military we won't be able to afford any further fertility treatments. 6-7 months and any chance of having a child will be gone.

I'm so angry right now at him. If he felt that way all along he should have told me, not let me go on with such hope. Right now, too, I'm done. Maybe in two weeks once the Clomid is out of my system I'll change my mind, but for now this is it. I'll probably end up giving it one more shot with the Clomid next month, but no more. I feel horrible giving up, like I don't care or want it bad enough but it's just taking over. It's been almost 2 years and I spend 90% of my waking hours trying not to cry. I keep finding myself angry with DH because I don't think he wants it as much as me. I'm becoming very selfish - not worried or thinking about anything but babies- and he's not afraid to tell me. It's coming between us. I'm praying for strength and guidance..........

Stupid me :)

I decided to look at the dollar store test and the FRER that I took this morning a little closer. Problem is I did it when I got home from work 12 hours later :/ Of course there was a faint faint pink line on both of them. I KNOW you aren't supposed to do that so I'm not getting my hopes up I'm just frustrated with myself for doing that.

Bad mind!!!!

I had the most glorious week last week only thinking about adoption, not about the two week wait and if I was pregnant. That came to a screeching halt last night :) I layed in bed forever before I feel asleep, my mind just would not shut off. It was that way last month too. I'm trying not to read into every little twinge and symptom because I really don't think I'm pregnant. Last month I pretty much knew I was. I'm peeing more, I'm seriously hormonal, I can't function - can't think straight, I'm exhausted physically but can't really sleep (except for yesterday, I got up at 10 took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and was back in bed exhausted by 9) No cramps yet. I think I'm stressing more because even though I haven't been actually ovulating (or maybe I have it's just been so weak no pregnancy could come from it), about 9-10 days past when my body tries to O, my period has started. I'm 95% positive I O'd this month and tomorrow I'll be at most 9 at the least 6 dpo. I'm pretty sure it'll be 8 though because of the serious ovary pains I felt last Sunday. The only time I've gone more that 10 days was the pregnancy.

Things are moving along...

So DH and I talked last night and made our decision. We're giving Clomid one more shot next month. After that we're going to start the adoption process. (that was MY plan but I had to get DH's approval). Of course this means that I am going to start working on things now, and talk to him about going ahead and getting our background clearance since it can take so long. I'm super excited, scared, nervous, worried....you name it. This week has been so great though. I haven't been stressing about TTC 24 hours a day. I haven't even thought about it until today when I couldn't form a sentence because I couldn't think of the words to use.

Adoption Update

So yesterday two adoption agencies called me and left messages. I called one back today. She was super nice. The agency gives preference to infertile couples, specially those without children already. There's a $300 application fee, $50.00 a piece background check fee, and a $1500.00 home study fee. The application fee and background check are due when the application is turned in. The home study fee we would pay to her when she came (the lady I talked to today would be my contact as well as do our home study). Right now the black and black/white mix lists are open. She said the hispanic/white list will be opening in the next few months. The white list is like super long and closed. There is a flat fee of $19,000.00 that wouldn't be due until the baby was in our arms. I like that part of it. The best part, to me, is this: In Alabama there is a 5 day waiting period. The birth mother has 5 days to change her mind, no questions asked. In Feb. this agency started waiting until that period is over. When we get to number 4 or 5 on the list they'll let us know so we can be prepared, the wait would be pretty short then. They won't actually let us know that a birth mother has chosen us until the baby is legally ours. We wouldn't be able to be at the hospital for the birth which is kinda sad, but we wouldn't have to deal with the fear and pain of falling in love with a baby and having the birth mother change her mind. She said that on average it takes 2-3 months to complete the application process and background check. After that we would set up the home study and it would take her 2-3 weeks to complete that report. She said she would know when she left our house if we were approved so I'm assuming we'd know in a few days if we were or not. She also said if I happened to get pregnant while we were on the list that it's possible we wouldn't be taken off this list. It would depend on if we thought we could handle another baby and if she though we were able to handle it based on getting to know us. She was really nice. The agency is about 3 hours away but there really aren't any any closer.

Now the problem is getting DH on board. He's 100% willing to adopt, he's just not ready to give up. I'm not exactly ready to give up but I just want a baby. I'm almost 30. If I'm not pregnant this cycle (which I doubt I am), I'll turn 29 without a baby. I'm going to try to calmly,without emotion, talk to him about it. When I'm not sure. I want to go ahead and fill out the application. She said it takes most people 3-4 weeks to do that part. There are 36 questions about our families, beliefs, pasts, goals, dreams.... that we BOTH have to answer. We both have to get a physical, we've both got to get letters from people who know us, we've gotta get everything together for a background check, we've got to fill out the actual application saying what we are willing to accept and aren't. It's a lot. After that the background check can take up to 3 months to come back. She said right now they're coming back in about a month/ month and a half. On the lower end of that we'd be looking at mid-August before we were ready for a home study. The upper end mid-October. We already agreed to start the process October/November time frame. I just think it would be smarter to start that part now and be ready to start the home study before Christmas instead of not being able to start that until closer to my birthday. I'm going to ask how long our background check is good for if I do get pregnant. We still want to adopt. To me it would be worth the possibility of losing the $400.00 than waiting. Cross your fingers, pray, whatever it is you do that DH agrees with me.

The more I think about it the more excited I get. I've ALWAYS said I was going to adopt. Mom and dad said I started saying that when I was like 6. Ahhhhh....our application packet should be here Friday or Saturday.

Super long post today. The first set of questions is on Family of Origin. The first question is: "Describe the family in which you grew up; including roles of family members, relationships between parents, relationships between siblings, and involvement with extended family members" I'll leave blanks in this where I think it would give too much personal information :) There's crazies out there.

--> I grew up an only child with two wonderful parents. My extended family is very close as well. My parents rarely fought, they still don't 33 years later. Watching them taught me what a marriage is supposed to be like. They suffered multiple miscarriages after me but those losses only made them stronger. They've also taught me what it means to be a good parent. They treated me with the right amount of rules and freedom. They love me unconditionally. We still talk almost everyday and I know that all I have to do is call and they'll be there. My extended family spends all holidays together. When I was younger it drove me crazy but moving overseas for three years, being away from everyone, was one of the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that no matter what they will support me and my husband in whatever we chose to do.

So frustrated

It's been a kinda crappy day. The day started off with DH hurting himself. He couldn't get our 3-wheeler to start. We have a pretty steep driveway so he was letting it roll down the driveway then jumping on and popping the clutch. He did it a couple of times and didn't get it to start. The last time he tried it he fell, the 3-wheeler ran over him, then it drug him down the driveway a little bit. He wasn't hurt bad. He has some road rash on both legs, one arm and elbow, and his chest. I coated it really good with antibiotic cream. I'm SO glad I didn't see it happen. I was scared enough when I ask him if he was OK and he said no. He eventually got it running and then started working on it. One piece came off that wasn't supposed to and it took forever to get it back on which really ticked him off. After about 3 hours in 93 degree heat he got everything back together and the pull start thingy won't budge. Basically it's broke now and we'll have to order a new part. He starts kicking things and yelling, then crying. He's got such bad luck. Everything he gets breaks or just stops working. Nothing ever seems to go right for him. His clutch on his Jeep is going too. I'm to the point to where I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to try and make him feel better but I just don't know how. He blames God for every bad things that happens and continually says that God hates him. It is unfair and does suck that he spends all his time helping save other people's lives, both at work and in his free time, including getting up at whatever time of night that pager goes off, and then nothing goes right for him. That was a serious run on sentence. 80% of the time I feel helpless and sorry for him but 20% of the time I just get so angry and fed up with it. Sometimes I wonder how I can bring a child into our home because of his temper. He's never violent towards people, could never hurt someone. He hurts when other people do. It's just the yelling. He wasn't this way when we first got married. I know it's 20% just fed up and tired of the Army, of being treated like crap and like he's 12. It's 70% the fact that he hasn't really slept in about 3 years. He developed sleep apnea about the time we got overseas. I know my temper is bad enough after 3 or 4 nights of no good quality sleep. I can only imagine what it would be like after 3 years. Thankfully he finally went and got a referral to do a sleep study. He went last Tuesday to do one and has another one this coming up Wednesday. He got a letter in the mail Friday confirming that he does have mild sleep apnea. He stops breathing between 15-20 times a night. His next sleep study he'll be using one of those CPAP machines. They offered him a sleeping pill last time (either Ambien or Lunesta) and he didn't take it. I told him TAKE IT!!! Between that and the machine he should get such a good nights sleep. This is one of those situations where having Tri Care is a serious advantage. We can either go buy the machine ourselves or wait a few weeks to get it through the pharmacy on post. Those things are around 1000 bucks and we'll be reimbursed 100% if we get it on our own. I'll be so thankful to have my husband back and so thankful that he'll be feeling better. That leaves 10% which is actually his own temper.

I think my temper is just as bad but I hold it in until I explode. The way he handles it is probably much healthier in the long run.

So far nothing bad has happened to me, but it's only the first day of the week (if you want to consider it that). Hopefully the only "bad" thing this week is Wednesday. I would have been 7 weeks tomorrow and we would have been seeing our baby for the first time Wednesday. It's going to be a rough day. On a much happier note I had really sharp ovary pains for a few minutes today. They were the exact same as my Clomid cycle. The Clomid cycle pain lasted 2 or 3 hours instead of 2 or 3 minutes but I'm sure that was the Clomid causing that. I'm pretty confident that I O'd today. WoooooHoooo I guess we'll know in about 14 days. I know I said I wasn't going to test until after AF was due to try and avoid knowing about another chemical but the 22nd is DH's birthday and I'll be 9DPO. I'll have to test that day just because it would be such a great birthday present for him.

If you made it through this thank you! I just needed to vent. Please don't think DH is a bad person because of his temper. He's the most wonderful, caring, compassionate man I've ever met (other than my daddy :) )